As I was leaving the house this morning, I closed the front door behind me and reached for my keys to press the "lock" button twice. I was surprised when the car horn beeped from the driveway. I guess I thought that our house went keyless overnight. I hate that technology can't keep up with me.

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Today is the 8 year "anniversary" of the day Shiela and I met on the internet. I told her that I loved her 4 days later and she almost puked and got sent home from work because she looked so ill. Ahh.. the good ol' days!

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I wrote the following to some friends the other day:

"ok.. i'm one to typically snap a photo of the random temper tantrums that ben will throw.. they don't rattle me.. i've often said to him "let me know when you've gotten your "mad" out and we can... [insert activity here]".

the past week has been hard. last monday was clearly the worst day, post seizure, regarding him screaming... even so.. he wasn't really himself for most of last week.. wobbly, confused.. things that could clearly be after effects of the seizure. his neurologist agreed. each day these problems have faded.. his sleep has returned to normal.. his eating has returned to normal.. his sense of humor has returned to normal.

one thing that hasn't returned is his episodes of what i can only call anger. one second he'll be fine and the next he'll have this wild dog look and will hit you with a force that i've never known a toddler to have. if you try to contain him, he will head butt you. if you put him down and move away from him he will hit or head butt whoever is closest. if no one is close, he will slam his head either into something or he will hit it with his hands. he usually ends up crying in a heap on the floor/crib/whatever and then will slowly start to play with something close by.. like a car or train.. and after about 10 minutes or so he'll be back up and like himself again.

we want to write these fits off as him slamming head first (poor choice of words) into the "terrible twos".. but i just can't make that jive given the "coincidence" of the seizure marking this change in behavior. his neurologist said that it is common for children (and adults) to experience a lot of anger after a seizure.. this can last for a while. he thought that this could just be a temporary thing (like the fact that he was wobbly on his feet and his balance returned to normal a few days later). he said that he wouldn't expect any permanent brain damage from a seizure lasting less than a half hour, but that this type of damage would show up in developmental and/or behavioral changes. uh.. yeah.. not exactly helping.

there's always the lurking autism worry, but usually these fits are specifically driven at being angry with someone or directing general anger toward someone. he stares you right in the eye before he head butts you. he also grits his teeth.

i had a long talk with his daycare provider this morning. they have been struggling with him as well and i'm very very lucky that they understand the issue (as much as we do anyway) and they aren't reacting with a disciplinarian reaction.. they consider it to be more of a medical issue and want to keep him and the other kids safe while he has his episodes. yesterday he would start hitting the older kids but then would move on to the babies. they would separate him and/or hold him, but there were several times where he would end up hitting his head against the floor or wall/door. they ended up putting him in a stroller that he could thrash in but there wasn't anything really hard to hit against.

*SIGH*

we are calling his pediatrician and his neurologist this morning and will go from there."

We saw our pediatrician that night and he told us in no uncertain terms, "I'm so sorry.. this will be difficult to handle.. you are the mothers of a perfectly normal 20 month old..."

He did leave a little bit of an open door regarding the behavioral changes given his seizure patterns, but in general he thinks that the kid is absolutely normal. good grief! how long will this last?! *laff*

Ok.. I don't know whether to be mortified or not. I think the answer to this one is a resounding "YES".

It's bad enough that I get doctors and nurses at local emergency rooms saying "oh.. hi.. I've taken care of you before, right?".. but when Ben was at Children's last week one of the nurses took one look at him and said "oh.. i remember you!"

*twitch*

ok.. so I just called my pharmacy to get some refills on my regular meds. No biggie, right? It's over THE PHONE. After I give my list of meds and the woman gets the info into the computer and says "they should be ready in 20 minutes" (which translates into "don't come for at least an hour...")... then she says. get this. ready? "how's the baby?"

How's the baby?

I said.. "um... what?"

She then went on to say "Ben.. the little redhead.. didn't he have a seizure?"

Well JE-SUS..

Ok.. So part of me wants to get a new pharmacy because I'm just creeped out that people know who we are.. but part of me knows that some people like that "ye olde towne" approach to customer service. I like anonymity. If you know me.. pretend you don't and everything will be right in my world.

Ok.. so i'm kidding a LITTLE.

It's not like we live in Shelbyville, KY (not to single a location out or anything).. there are more than 40,000 people on this 5 square mile postage stamp of a suburb outside of boston.. I'm sure, based on the chaos that occurs daily at this pharmacy's parking lot, that at least half of the town uses the same pharmacy. I don't stick out THAT much.


RIGHT?! (remember.. just pretend that you don't know me.) i'm gonna go pick up my kid.

Ok.. so a quick update on my kid's noggin...

We had an appointment with Dr F, who is a neurologist at Children's Hospital. He's been seeing ben since his first seizure almost 7 months ago. The appointment went great. Ben was in top form.. He was skeptical about getting weighed and measured, but sat quite still while getting his blood pressure taken and only hit me once after the nurse put the bubbles away.

Dr. F. agrees with us.. which is a good thing. It's always nice when a doctor says what you want them to. It's even better when you trust that they know what they are talking about. It's almost enough to make you think that YOU know what you're talking about. almost.

The general consensus is that Sunday's seizure was clearly febrile. Is there a chance that it was epileptic brought on by fever, of course.. but there is nothing specific to worry about. His first seizure is the only one that was clearly not associated with a fever.. but it WAS two weeks to the day from his MMR vaccination. I've done a LOT of reading and it seems that there is a slight (VERY slight) risk of febrile seizure in the two weeks following the MMR shot.. coincidence? i think not. The second seizure could easily be said to be at the onset of a fever.. no fever to warn us it was coming, but he had a fever for a week afterward while fighting off a virus.

We're pretty sure we have the answer for the cause of his fever over the weekend -- Roseola. His temp broke and like two days later, just like the textbooks say, he got a rash.

Now.. the questions is "what do we do now?"

Both shiela and i agree that we were worried about starting him on a daily anti-seizure medication. these meds are STRONG and we were concerned about any impact to his development. he's so young. we're also concerned about brain damage from the seizures. We decided going into it that if the doc recommended a daily treatment, we would take that info and run it by our pediatrician before starting him on a daily med. Our pediatrician can practically walk on water.

The visit went great. The doc read over his ER report and, in between tossing a ball across the room to ben, told us that he saw no reason to start him on a daily medication now. two of the three seizures have been febrile in nature and he thinks a daily medication is too much at this point. if he has one or two more, in particular, ones that aren't associated with fever.. then we'll talk about it again. For the moment, we've got a preventative med to give him when he has a temperature. This should keep him from having a seizure even if his temperature spikes. Of course, it doesn't help for seizures that are at the initial onset of the fever (no warning), but it's something to do instead of twiddling our thumbs looking at the clock waiting for it to happen (like Sunday).

In other news.. he weighed in at 26.5 lbs and 33.5 inches tall.. just about 50% for both height and weight. his head circumference is off the chart.. welcome to the family of big brainy heads, benji!!

My hit count has been down right shameful over the past few weeks. As a result, I have only one option.. to post pictures of Ben playing with Snickollet's kids. It's a sure fire way to get my blog flooded with visitors!

The kids had a wonderful time of swimming and playing with balloons. Here is a cutie picture of Riley.



I didn't have as much luck getting pictures of Maddie.. here is an example.. I can't tell you how many pics of the kids that I have where the balloon floated RIGHT in front of their faces as I was snapping the picture. I did snag Snick in this one though! BWA-HA-HA..



Here's my little man...

I saw this sitting on Shiela's end table last night when we were getting ready for bed. ugh...



Ok.. so I have a few more minutes and wanted to fill in some of the blanks from Ben's seizure over the weekend. I'll start with the basics.

On Sunday, Ben woke up with a fever. This wasn't entirely unexpected as he had been an absolute BEAR on Saturday, which typically means that he's not feeling well. We started him on the Motrin/Tylenol cycle (Motrin every 6 hrs with Tylenol every 6 hrs spaced 3 hrs apart.. so the Tylenol still has some kick when the Motrin starts to wear off). We stayed in for most of the day and did "the kid is sick" stuff like eating pedialyte pops and watching Thomas the Tank Engine on "repeat ad nauseum mode."

Around 3:30ish, we decided that we had to get out of the house. Ben had his last dose of Motrin at 2:30 and Shiela and I hadn't eaten yet. We opted for a drive and went up to Burlington where we stopped at Wendy's so I could get a frosty and Ben got some nuggets and then we headed over to Taco Bell so Shiela could get a burrito fix. On our way home, we both noticed that Ben's cheeks were starting to turn pink.

The closer we got to home the sicker he started looking. When we took him out of the car seat, he clearly had a temp again. This wasn't too uncommon as he had been running a temp of about 101 even with the Motrin/Tylenol.

When we got upstairs a minute or two later, he was burning up. I've never felt skin that hot. I took off to the bathroom to run the water in the tub and Shiela stripped him and met me in there. We took his temp by ear on the way into the tub.. it was 104. While we had the water warm.. his temp was so high that it hurt his skin and his whole body was instantly covered with chill bumps. It was heart breaking because he got so excited to see the tub and then was crushed because he felt so badly. We tried to make the tub thing work for at least a few minutes to try to get his temp down. We finally decided that it was too much for him and Shiela took him in a dry towel and walked him into his bedroom. By the time I got half dressed and into his room with them, we both knew it was coming.

We just looked at each other and one or the both of us said "he's going..". Shiela got him down on the twin bed in his room and rolled him to his side. She yelled "get the time".. I was already on my way into our bedroom to check the clock. Note to self: get clock for baby's room.

I should remember what time this all happened.. because I was timing the seizure. I couldn't tell you for the life of me when this happened between 4:30 and 5:30 pm. The next time I had a time check, it was 6pm and we were in the hospital.

For five minutes, we hovered over the baby as his entire body seized. While we've experienced this before, it is just as terrifying when you know what is going on and have directions for what to do. I took turns hovering over him and running around the house like a chicken with its head chopped off. I finished getting dressed, got my wallet, got both of our sets of keys, got Shiela's wallet, got his seizure kit, called 911...

As a side note. There are so many people that do not have a land line anymore. The trend is to use your cell phone as your primary and only phone.. it makes sense.. you spend a fortune on your service and coverage is typically fine around here (unless you have AT&T.. but that's a different rant).. why not ditch the ol' phone company's archaic system? We did for a while. At some point, we went back to having a land line and our cell phones.. redundant, but Shiela couldn't get me to stop losing my cell phone and/or keep it charged.

The one kicker in all of this is 911 service. We take it for granted. When you have a cell phone, you can call 911.. but you get connected to a service that then connects you to your local district which then will send out a unit for whatever you need. This is fine and dandy.. but it takes being transfered and talking a lot.. at least a lot during a time when you don't remember your middle name. I use 911 from my cell phone to report traffic accidents and even used it about a week ago to report that a mentally challenged young fellow decided he wanted to get into our car.. another long story.

When you're in SuperMoms adrenaline-rush mode.. this is too much. I picked up my land line (which we get through our cable provider.. so we did ditch the phone company in the grand scheme of things) and said "my son is having a seizure" and the operator said "ok ma'am, a unit is on their way". simple as that. I stayed on the line to answer one question.. "how old is he".. i responded "19 months".. the operator responded "thank you.. would you like to stay on the line until they arrive?" I said "no thanks.." and that was that. I didn't need to know my street address, town name.. i didn't even have to give her my name.. they had the info they needed.. the security of having this service available is worth the $26.95 per month phone charge.

Ok.. now back to my story..

I called 911 at about 3 minutes. By 4 minutes we were breaking into his seizure kit. By 5 minutes Shiela was administering the Diastat and counting like they told us to in the video tutorial. This was the first time we had needed to use it. The seizure broke within seconds. He looked up at us with a confused expression and opened and stretched his mouth.. I'm sure it hurt.. at a minimum he had been grinding his teeth harder than I thought was physically possible.. but we also believe he chomped the inside of his cheek a bit.. not enough to bleed, thankfully.

After the seizure he was completely limp and very lethargic. He drifted in and out of sleep. I ran downstairs as the police and fire units arrived. Just after them was the ambulance. Between those three vehicles, the street was totally blocked up with flashing lights.

The whole crew followed me upstairs to ben's room where Shiela was waiting with him. Since the seizure had broken, they just needed to establish his vitals and get him moving to the hospital.

I rode with him in the ambulance again. They strapped me down to the gurney and then wrapped the two of us together and off we went. They got him rigged with oxygen just in case another seizure started. They also checked his blood sugar. Then it was just the ride.. from Arlington (suburn northwest of Boston) downtown to the Children's Hospital. We flew through traffic which parted like butter on a hot day (um.. maybe I've been typing too long.. I can't believe I just typed that)..

At the hospital.. it was pretty routine. At least when you've done this twice before. I held him while he cried and I tried to speak over his cries to get all of the important information to the nurses and doctors and registration staff while they all checked him over. Shiela arrived shortly after we did and was there to play tag-team-mommies. Ben would want one of us.. then the other... then the other... repeat this for several hours.

The biggest challenge of our ER visit was the fact that they needed to rule out whether he had an ear infection or not. This is a bit more challenging when both ears were impacted with wax. They ended up having to go in and clean out his ears, which was painful and confusing for him and just heart wrenching for us. Once they had ruled out infections, we were left to wait... wait for it to be time for more Motrin.. wait for the neurologist.. watch the olympics... play with the pink plastic puke buckets.. rinse the binky for the 1203rd time after it gets chucked across the room. Occasionally.. he would sleep.





We were released from the hospital late Sunday night/early Monday morning. We drove home.. Ben was VERY happy to be out of the hospital.. he laughed when he saw our car in the parking garage and said "yeah..."

[insert restless night of sleep]

Monday was pretty terrible all around. Ben was hurting, confused, mad and sick. This isn't a great mix for a toddler.. or his moms. He spent most of the day screaming and thrashing. There were a few brief moments of rest.. very brief.

By mid-afternoon.. we were going nuts. His fever had broken, but he was still just so distressed and our anxiety levels were through the roof after feeling so helpless during the seizure and then to feel helpless in finding a way to soothe him the next day. We took off in the car again. It was Shiela's idea.. I was skeptical.. but I couldn't stay in the house. We wound up in Concord's historic district and had "lunch" at a cute little place where one of the employees gave Ben some wikkistix to play with. It was the first time in 24 hours that he was calm AND awake. We're going to buy this wonderful product in bulk.

Ben got down and walked around a bit on the greens in Concord before we decided to start on home. We finished out the evening with some free form doodling. I picked up some markers from Walgreens and threw the rulebook aside.. He had a little bit of marker that made the paper.. most wound up on his hands, shirt, mouth and the table.



We ended the day on a more positive note.. although sleeping was difficult Monday into Tuesday. For reference.. the pic below shows Ben a day after the seizure.. those are TIRED EYES.



This picture was taken Saturday afternoon.. a day BEFORE the seizure. Note the eyes. (also note the pink babydoll stroller.. that's another story!)

Hi guys..

I just have time for a quick update. I'll try to log on later to fill in some of the details. On Sunday afternoon, Ben had another seizure. We knew it was coming and also knew there was nothing we could do to stop it (not a fun feeling as a parent). This time around it was fever related with his temp spiking to 104 degrees shortly before the seizure. After about 3 minutes we called 911 and at the 5 minute mark we gave him the meds from his seizure kit. The seizure stopped within seconds of receiving that medication (thank god for valium).

We spent the evening at Children's Hospital in Boston (i hate that place and love it at the same time.. I guess I love the doctors/nurses and knowing that such a wonderful place like that not only exists, but is so close to us.. i hate having to go there with our beautiful son).

Sunday night through this morning was very difficult on all (moms and Ben). Ben seems to be doing much better and is at daycare this afternoon. We have more tests to be done and more doctors visits in the coming week or two.. but for now we're just enjoying his eyes being bright again.

Ok.. I added some ads to my site.. thank you for your patience...

Now my concern is that there is an ad titled "Baby Anxiety?" that keeps popping up and it's starting to irritate me. If it said "Mommy Anxiety?" I'd be ok.. but WHY is that particular ad linking to ME... I guess those are probably the two words I use the most.. but sheesh.. it's giving me a bad rap.

Ok.. so Kid Rock is just genius in so many ways. Musically, lyrically.. heck.. he was one of the dozen selected to be filmed in videos with Pamela Anderson.. ok.. I digress.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday after just having stood on ground that used to be considered "the most dangerous city block in the country". It's not the best area right now, but it IS the site of a brand new school building. Anyway.. the song hit me as being profound and when I listen to it again I realize that it's another case of a straight talker like Kid Rock or Eminem just saying it how it they see it and I find that more times than not.. I tend to agree.



Now go smoke funny things and sing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long!!!

I know that our President has had a busy schedule these days.. oh with the Russia/Georgia issue and the Olympics.. but I wonder if he'd take my call..

I have to do some more digging, but it seems that I'm related to the Bush family. How mortifying is that? It seems that I share a link to the President and to the fellow who shot President Reagan.. we're all descended from Thomas Hinckley (born 19 Mar 1619, Hawkhurst, Kent, England; died 25 Apr 1706, Barnstable, MA) who was Governor of Plymouth Colony from 1658-1681.

Funny thing is that I'm pretty sure that I'm related to Robert E. Lee too (you know.. the dude who lost the Civil War). This isn't doing much for my self esteem!

Edited to add: Well it just gets deeper. Obama is also a descendant of Thomas Hinckley.

We went to a friend's BBQ over the weekend and caught up with a wonderful group of friends and their kids. The pic above is one of Benjamin and one of his bestest friends, Anna. The two have history man.. they've known each other "forevah!". I have a pic of Anna giving Ben a kiss last October that I'll have to find.. but the pic above is an attempt by Anna to give Ben a hug.. Ben was being shy.

Cute.. if I do say so myself. Anna's mom agrees!

So.. it shouldn't be a surprise to most of you who know me that I'm easily amused and easily distracted.. what.. wait.. look at the kitty! just kidding.

Ok.. so if you google "Benji and Shiela" just like that.. including the word "and".. my blog will come up as the #1 hit on google! I rock! Of course.. how many people are googling "Benji and Shiela".. especially with Jood's name spelled right, but wrong.. "i" before "e" except after "c"..

In other news.. you'll see that I caved and added some Ads. Irritating, yes.. but I promise I won't do more than just the side banner. no scrolling ads or "hit skip to continue" blackouts or even worse.. *gasp*.. pop-ups. I figured that it couldn't hurt. It's not the best way to make a dime.. but a dime is a dime.. so click away, my friends. Given the random things I tend to talk about.. the items in the Ad list could be quite wacky.

Ok.. two unrelated topics.

My dad's surgery went fine yesterday and after spending about a half hour trying to track down SOMEONE in the hospital to tell me he wasn't dead.. I finally talked to his nurse and then talked to him. He was still a bit groggy, but said that the doctor said the surgery went fine and the circulation to his leg had returned as they had hoped. He's in for a bit of recovery time.. but hopefully it will be smooth sailing.

Now on to cool ass doors. For those that don't know (I think Shiela may be the only one aside from Ben that knows this little tidbit).. I absolutely LOVE doors. I don't know why. I love them in general.. opening .. closing.. knocking.. they are just brilliant. I also love taking photos (if you couldn't tell from the 5000+ photos of Benjamin that I took during his first year). I can't say I'm good at it.. or that I have the right equipment (such a hard thing for a "Gear Slut" -- as my sister calls me -- to admit).. but I still take pictures of doors. The picture below was taken downtown in Boston. It was a side mechanical/electrical room door to an old mill building.. the base of the door frame was about 4 feet off the ground.. which explains the weird perspective (i.e. looking up at a door). It was friggin cool. One of these days I will start a blog devoted entirely to cool ass doors. I'm not sure if there is a reader-niche for that sorta thing.. but who cares. Without further ado.. here is the CAD (cool ass door)...

It's Friday.. Jood's day with the boy. I watch Seseme Street with him and go to the Reservoir.. She goes to Target with a bunch of coupons.. :) She sent me the pic above just a few minutes ago as they were getting ready to head out of the store. They did NOT buy the hat. Notice how much fun he was having.. :) Naptime!

Hi all you blog readers... for those of you not in the "know".. there are these things called "blog readers".. not the actual people that read the blogs.. but programs/sites where you can "subscribe" to blogs all in one place and you don't have to go visit a million sites to stay updated on your favorite blogs. I've been using Google's Reader for a while and it's ok.. but it crops Snickollet's blog for some reason that I can't figure out and you can't see the actual site.. just the RSS feed. If you don't have any clue what I'm talking about.. just move down to my next post and watch the people dance.

For those who do know what I'm talking about.. any suggestions for good blog readers out there that let you see the blog in it's entirety, template/formatting and all? I think I may be just running around in circles trying to think about it.

I got a very nice note from one of my new readers. I tend to follow up on those types of things by checking out their blog. I found this video clip that just made me smile and I wanted to share. Life at our house has been all about dancing lately.. Benjamin just can't dance enough. In fact, we let him stay up to watch the finale of SYTYCD last night and he danced with a number of the acts and laughed and laughed.. the best sound in the world. Hope you enjoy this video and if you get the chance, check out my new "blog-friend"s site, Life At Number 14.

my dad is going in for surgery to clear a blockage in a main artery in his leg (i think that's the correct terminology). he had been suffering with a lot of numbness and pain and had a string of tests and found that he had very little (or no) circulation through his leg. The blockage is just behind his knee. i'm not exactly sure what to think.

Anyway.. my dad is where I get my social anxiety issues from.. if I'm going to subscribe to the "it's all your parent's fault" theories.. :) In general, he doesn't tell us about things.. DEFINITELY not health related things. I think that most of this is trying to protect us from things that are hard to think about. Hell.. he didn't even tell me when my grandfather died.

Anyway, he emailed me to let me know about this.. the fact that he mentioned it says that it's more serious than he's making it out to be just because well.. he said something. I knew something was up because he looked like he was in a lot of pain when I saw him a few weeks ago at my niece's birthday party. I never equated it to cardiac issues since it was his leg and to my knowledge he had no prior history and is in good health (but again.. i wouldn't know otherwise). When he told my sister, she grilled him a bit for more information but he just sort of clammed up. We don't even know what hospital he's going to be in (it will be one of the hospitals in Hartford, I assume). I'm going to call him tonight.. we rarely talk on the phone, but part of me is worried that this is more serious than he is making it out to be and i'm worried.

I know everyone has a lot on their minds these days.. but if you have the energy to send a prayer or a positive thought in his direction.. i would appreciate it.

Dad.. if you read this.. hopefully when you're home recovering from the surgery eating healthy snacks (and maybe a frozen snickers bar or two) and watching the Discovery Channel and the Food Network... I just wanted to say that I love you and I hope tomorrow goes well and your recovery goes better. You should start a blog.. then you could take pictures and post them.. I'm world renowned for posting surgery and hospital photos on my blog.

Hi all..

Well.. the work saga continued today. I spoke with the ultra-mega boss for about an hour this morning (he's also a good friend), and then he spoke to my immediate supervisor (said bossman that triggered a panic attack of epic proportions last week) for another hour. Then the three of us sat down to come up with a "plan"

I won't go into specifics, because that's against my "blog rules".. but I will say that I feel a thousand times better right now than I did this morning. I also feel positive that change may happen. I am proud of myself that I was honest and yet stood my ground and at one point even put my fist down on the table (not hard) and said "dammit.. i'm GOOD at my job.. i refuse to be made to feel like i'm not respected." i think i may have said that twice. Anyway.. i'm absolutely exhausted.. I don't like people enough to have confrontation for 3 hours straight.. but at least that is over and we can move forward. Hopefully things will change. *cross fingers*

In funnier news.. my lovely wife, Joodah (isn't that a cute nickname.. sorta like "honeypie" or "snookums"), continues to be a trooper.. when she's awake. I woke up at about 4am (again) in full panic mode. I was worrying about work (surprise). I wanted her to comfort me and tell me that I'm ok and that we're ok and that "it's" ok. I didn't want to wake her though, because.. well.. it was 4am. She also rode her bike to work yesterday and did yoga last night.. at one point, earlier on.. she was laying with her hands sticking up and when i tried to get her to lay them down she said "noooo.. they hurt". So i opted to let her sleep.

SO.. I was still in need of some comforting.. so I reached out and held her hand. She promptly grumbled some nonsensical words and pulled her hand away. I chuckled.. but still was feeling clingy. So I put my arm under her arm. She promptly shrugged it off and said "cheese". I'm really not sure what that was in reference to. I finally settled for laying down as close to her as I could manage without actually physically touching her. I was just about asleep when she rolled over and told me that I was crowding her. We need to work on the crowding/cuddling concept i think!

Since the physical snuggling didn't work.. I opted for some subconscious snuggle time. I had some weird ass dreams about random thing including shiela and i at a band concert (some school function for someone i don't know if i know) and we had obstructed view seats.. there was a great big wall in front of us and we couldn't see anything at all. That's ok.. I just put my head on her shoulder and relaxed (there's the hidden snuggle). That was about when she woke me up saying "it's 7:30.. get up". URGH!

The morning was a bit crazy. When I get ben ready for daycare, I do things like microwave an egg, toast a waffle, throw some jars of things into his bag.. normal "throw it together and try to hit all the food groups" kinda organization. Shiela put water on to make him pasta. pasta.

As we were getting ready to leave the house, I was looking for my cell phone (which is back in my possession, btw.. i had left it at Bertucci's).. and picked up the house phone to call it. The ring sounded and I started searching.. it sounded like it was coming from the couch.. but by the time i got to the couch it sounded like it was coming from the rocker.. but by the time i got to the rocker it sounded like it was coming from ben's toy boys.. but by the time i got to the toybox i noticed that shiela was practically falling over from fits of hysterical laughter. It was in my right front pants pocket.. so I was looping the room always thinking that it was sounding like it was just off to the right a bit.

I should write all this down.. wait.. i am.

Ok.. so last funny (at least to me) tidbit from this morning.. I was listing off my dreams from last night to Shiela and one of them was that we were stuck in line at a high school cafeteria.. and they had NO FOOD. well.. no food that i would consider edible. lots of pasta with stuff like pesto on it. This may not seem funny to you.. but I have a tendency to have "work stress" dreams that revolve around high school. If i'm stressed at work.. suddenly I start dreaming that I'm in high school and I can't remember my class schedule.. or locker combination.. etc. The cafeteria line was a new one for my repertoire.

I'll leave you with a pic of Ben from last night wearing his brand new bike helmet and brand new sneakers (size 7 extra-wide)..



And one of a minor bike incident... I know.. bad Mommy.. I just had to take the picture! By the time I got over to him he was already back up on the bike and laughing.

Hi all..

Well.. It's been a week. I won't clarify that by saying a good or a bad week.. just a week. I have SO much that I could blog about.. but as most of you know, I have a few taboo topics that I refuse to blog about to the entire world of blog people. That said.. what does one do when all the taboo things go to hell and you have no where to write about it? I guess that's where paper and a pencil come in.

Some of you know bits and pieces of what my week has been like. I'll share a teeny tiny bit of that here along with an "I AM OK" and a "I WILL CONTINUE TO BE OK". My therapist would be proud.

Ok.. so most of you know that I had dealt with a bout of Post Partum Depression after my pregnancy with Ben. Looking back.. not much of a surprise since I've always had anxiety issues (for lack of a better term).. tacking on a hormonal rollercoaster was JUST enough to kick me over the proverbial edge. Since then, I've made a complete recovery.. from the PPD. In the meantime, my year and a half of therapy has dug up lots of other junk like self-esteem challenges (ha.. nice way of putting it) and stuff like that. In general.. things have been going well. I almost always have something to talk about when I go to counseling, but I rarely use up a box of tissues anymore. At one point, I was a two-boxer patient.. my guy would see the color of the tissues change.. indicating that "the end" was near.. and would smoothly transfer in a fresh box of kleenex. That's why I pay him the big bucks.

Ok.. so the next two items are on my taboo list. work and the concept of possibly trying for another child SOMEDAY (note to moms...we're talking major hypothetical stuff at this point.. sort of like "wow.. what if one day I'm skinny and get a tattoo"..).

So. In a frustrated effort to get off of the anxiety meds that I'm still on (enough to sink the titanic).. I made an UBER-BAD-MOVE last weekend and went cold turkey off the meds. Did I warn my wife.. nah.. I could "handle it". My thought process.. however skewed, was that if I could just make it through a few days, then the hardest part of the withdrawal would be over with and I could get back to normal without taking months to ween off the meds. yeah. UBER-BAD-MOVE.

I lasted until Sunday then Shiela put me in a headlock and shoved a pill down my throat in a manner somewhat similar to giving a cat a pill. I started to feel significantly better, but was definitely teetering near the brink (of what.. i don't know) for the remainder of the week.

So poof.. on to taboo topic #2.. work. Work went great until Thursday morning when something that has been a thorn in my side for years reared it's ugly head and jabbed me in the side again. If I was on my game.. I would have stepped on my toe, gritted my teeth, and defended myself.. but instead I just sort of zoned out. I proceeded to leave the "meeting".. go to the car.. and call the wife. She then called my good friend at work who grabbed her iced D&D coffee and came to my rescue. Shiela met us at the ER and we went from there.

I wasn't admitted or anything. They gave me a hit of a benzo (tranquilizer) and then asked me how I felt. Not surprisingly, I drooled and said "better". So they sent me home. It wasn't exactly that smooth, but it wasn't traumatic either.. at least for me. I slept off the meds through Thursday and most of Friday and then spent the weekend in full fledged "OH MY GOD WHAT THE F***" mode.

I'm not looking for advice or anything at this point. Shiela and I are on the same page with things and I'm comfortable with our current plan. My sister has her old cheerleading outfit on trying to talk me into quitting. For the moment, I'm taking things one step at a time and looking forward to my evening with my wife and son.