So.. we're like normal parents in the 21st Century.. we've made our own baby food, we thought about using cloth diapers, we have a UPromise account set up, we have no fewer than 4 types of strollers, Benjamin's toys have taken over our living room, but 90% of those toys are educational in some way (for example: the hotwheels cars have helped us teach him how NOT to play with the cats)... we believe in a modified CIO (Cry-It-Out) sleep "method", we use terms like "sleep method", we go organic when reasonable, we have him in a bilingual daycare so he understand both english and spanish at just 14 mos old.. He also can use sign language quite well now. We limit his TV time, but he really could care less about TV unless there is some song on.

Which brings me to the topic of the blog. Like many Generation X'ers, we have Guitar Hero III.. and while we rarely have time to play it (i.e. my 8 year old nephew can whoop the pants off of me on expert mode while flying through the air doing twists and flips and i'm just trying to figure out how to get my hand to move to hit the orange button without completely throwing off the rest of the song).

Anyway.. Ben likes it. He can't play it yet, but he likes helping us play it and since we're currently borrowing a friend's earlier version of the game with the PS2 controllers, we have an extra guitar that he can play with when we really want to be able to have a chance at getting through the song.

Here are some pics from last night:

Benjamin and Mamom spent some time at an indoor toddler's play area called "Together in Motion" yesterday afternoon while I was at work. He had an absolute blast and played until he collapsed. It's a wonderful place from what I've heard and Shiela totally thought it was perfect for him. He played and played. Here is a picture of him crawling through a tunnel.

Here are some pics from Ben from January and February of last year ('07).







*Drum Roll*
.... here are pictures of the little man from January and February of THIS year ('08).. what a difference a year makes!

This kid is amazing! I can't imagine what it must feel like to be his parents.. they looked so proud of him. I've watched the performance a few times now and it still gives me chills.

I have to say. I LOVE American Idol. It's Tuesday.. guys night.. 10 guys left...

I missed the first dude.. but I don't think I like him anyway. I had some priorities.. grocery shopping and helping shiela with the big man. my wife is a trooper though.. because she hates this show and is ok with putting ben to bed on idol nights..

So Luke Menard (sp?) just sang a Queen song. This is majorly risky in my opinion because I put Freddy Mercury at the top of the heap when it comes to vocal talent and being the ultimate showman.. I wish he had lived long enough for me to see him in concert. Luke pulled it off... it wasn't Freddy.. but I still think he pulled it off.

Ok.. the drag racer is cute. What's his name? This is why I'm gay.. my taste in men was dangerous at best. Ooooo.. he's singing Hot Blooded.. good choice!I have to say I've got a soft spot for hairy disheveled men.. :) Ok.. he's Robbie.. he's my favorite so far tonite.

Danny N.. my niece loves this kid. I don't see it. He's butchering The Carpenters.

Shiela is still working on getting Ben to bed.. I think he's winning.

Ok.. my laptop is getting too hot for my lap.. you'd think someone would have thought of that. I'm hopefully going to be able to stay awake long enough to see David A.. he's a cutie and is my favorite overall this year..

... shiela just appeared outside Ben's doorway and gave me the international hand symbol for "i'm watching TV in the bedroom". her loss man..

David Hernandez. I can't concentrate on his performances because I can't stop being reminded that Shiela used to date a guy with the same name. I can say that I wish I looked like that in jeans and a tshirt. Ok.. the judges liked him.. i still didn't listen.. i was too busy typing and thinking about how to look like that in jeans.

In other news.. the Byetta thing is going ok. it really kills my appetite, which I have a feeling is the reason why it helps with weight loss. i took the injection and had a small bowl of cereal and feel like i had a huge multi-course dinner with desert. i have a mini carton of haggen daas chocolate ice cream in the freezer and I don't think I can eat it.. how weird is that.

ok.. i'm tired.. i like david cook.. and i'm bugged about the fact that they are saving the young kid for really late in the show.... i need to sleep...

ok.. he's on next.. i can hold on for one more song... *snooze*

Ok...

So aside from the fact that the "reason" that I now have Type 2 Diabetes is because I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancy with Ben and with a certain number of people with GD.. it can turn to Type 2 later in life... this blog has nothing to do with Ben. yeah.. let's ignore the fact that i was fat and insulin resistant for years before project-baby was even in the planning stages.

So now that I'm officially a Diabetic, I'm slowly learning what I need to do and blah blah friggin blah blah. My biggest (hahahaha) concern was the fact that when it hit, i started gaining about a pound a day.. this was horrifying. Capping off at about 250 lbs.. I finally got in to see an endocrinologist who would listen to me and believe me when I said that I wasn't just still holding onto "baby weight".

SOoooooooooooooooooooo... to make a long story short.. I started on Metformin about 6ish months ago and had the dosage increased in um.. I think October. Since then, I've lost 60 lbs. It's like magic. It also helps that while on the Metformin, my blood glucose levels don't get much above 120 regardless of what I eat (although eating high carb things will make me regret it).

Sooooooooooooooooooo... now I'm on a new med. It's called Byetta and it's an injectable. It would be fine.. i'm fine with needles.. i took lord knows how many injections during my infertility treatment days and even more during my gestational diabetes days.. this is just twice a day before meals.. couldn't be easier.. right?

well.. aside from the fact that the friggin pen with the med in it is supposed to stay between the temps of 36 to 46 degrees.. *grit teeth*. Now.. on most days, this is no problem.. i can take it with the rest of my meds when I wake up and am running around getting myself and Ben ready for work/daycare all in about 20 minutes since i'm ALWAYS running late. NOPE!

You have to take it either an hour before taking other meds or three hours after taking other meds. WHAT? ok.. now in the morning I take my metformin, my thyroid med and my.. this is the kicker.. all of my anti-dep/anxiety meds. So now I have to either get up an hour earlier to give myself a shot and eat and then .. well i can't even do the math to make that work. my guess is that i'll end up putting my meds into my pocket and taking them mid-morning at work.. THAT always works so well.

Now this temp thing... if we ate breakfast AND dinner at home and had the time to take the meds within 60 minutes of eating.. fine! no problem! but we tend to like to leave the friggin house once in a while!!!

so i just looked up options for "traveling with diabetes".. i'm not talking getting on a plane to kentucky (hi mom) or texas (hi jaaym).. i'm just talking about going to the mall for a few hours and to a restaurant.. or when the weather gets nice.. going out to the park for the day and possibly getting dinner before going home. *GRUMBLE*

i can't even begin to describe the "protocols" that are listed regarding how to pack and keep the med at the correct temp and blah blah friggin blah. One site even recommends going to Bass Pro's online store (i'm.not.kidding.) to buy some special thermometer to stick in a thermos to make sure you're not over or under cooling your Byetta. F.

The manufacturer offers a free fanny pack. NO FRIGGIN WAY AM I GETTING A FANNY PACK... even if it's free... it doesn't matter.. i'll stay home forever.

How do people with "real" diabetes do it? I'm not sick with it.. my levels are easy to control.. my biggest issue is wanting to lose some more weight.. i didn't know that this would be an aspect of my life that i'd need to buy accessories for.

Meanwhile.. we're not supposed to be anywhere with Benjamin without his "seizure kit" which, at least, doesn't have temperature requirements.. it just takes up half of his diaper bag.

I guess the cool part is that the stuff (Byetta) is made from lizard spit.



I'm. not. kidding. Google it.

Ok.. so it's 10:37 and Benjamin just went down for his morning nap. We breathe a sigh of relief. I sit on the couch in my jammies, deciding to take this opportunity to write in my blog. The fish take this opportunity to swim. The cats take this opportunity to sleep on the clean clothes on Ben's second bed (we have a twin bed in his room too)... lovely.

It snowed last night. I woke up this morning excited.. feeling like a kid again.. we were going to go sledding today! I couldn't wait. My "plan" was that we'd get the big guy up, fed, bundled up and do the same for ourselves and then head to the park. As we all know.. my "plans" never work out the way i have them pictured.. but we're still going to go sledding. My plans were derailed by rain or any other force of nature.. just a busy morning.

CRAYONS

When I get up with Ben before Shiela gets up.. bad things happen. Ben and I tend to "get in trouble" when on our own looking for interesting things to do. Shiela left some paper and crayons on the floor from their colors activity yesterday afternoon and so Ben trucked right over and grabbed a few and proceeded to chew on them and occationally make some lines or dots on the paper i gave him. This type of activity should probably take place in his high chair.. but no.. we colored on the floor.

Meanwhile.. shiela is getting up and ready for the day.

Benjamin begins to show signs that he may be getting hungry (i.e. eating cheerios off the floor and hanging from the tray of his highchair yelling "mamamamamama")

I popped him into his chair and gave him some cheerios and raisins and then went to "cook" him some breakfast. I stirred some milk into his powdered baby oatmeal cereal.. heated it up.. added some applesauce. I really shouldn't be allowed near the microwave (or the toaster oven... but that's a different story). If you nuke baby cereal for too long.. it becomes somewhat of a colloid.. some interesting new type of matter.

While finishing up my masterpiece of a breakfast for my son.. I hear shiela's voice say "uh.. jen?" in that steeled "i can be strong and support this family in a time of crisis" voice. I went to the dining room. Shiela says "um.. he's got something black on the inside of his bottom tooth". Of course.. a 14 month old doesn't just open his mouth and say "ahhhh" when you make this reasonable request.. so we bring the jaws of life out to pry open his mouth so that i can see his tooth. I take one look and say "crayon.." and walk back to the solidifying mass that is my son's breakfast.

PUKE

Ben proceeded to eat about 3/4 of his oatmeal before he gagged and then yacked it back up all over himself.. lovely.

So after cleaning him up and letting him eat a few cheerios off the floor (new cheerios this time.. fresh from being dropped, along with raisins, while i was making his breakfast)... we retired to the living room for some play time.

CONCERT TICKETS

As Ben was playing, I asked Shiela... "so... Billy Joel?".. after a serious battle of money vs fun.. she says "when do they go on sale?". I sent a txt message to Becky.. she calls back just seconds after I hit the send key saying "don't tease me.. are you serious?".. i responded "um.. we think". the tickets went on sale in 15 minutes.. so the race was on.. Shiela put Ben down for his nap while I sat at the computer hitting "reload" on the ticketmaster site waiting for the site to open up for sales for this concert. Once it did.. It was a race against time.. i kept re-entering our info.. 3 tickets, best available, and then the random garbled letters that they use to keep people from using computer programs to auto-dial.. ugh.. i can never read those. after about 100 attempts over 6 minutes.. the show sold out. Luckily.. as soon as it sold out, they opened another show.. so I started shooting for that one and got tickets within a few seconds. whew!

whew!

It may take me a while to get this blog finished, so I'm starting with uploading some pictures that Shiela and I took on our cell phones during our stays in the emergency rooms and Winchester Hospital and Children's Hospital and then during our extra day at Children's. I'll do my best to fill in the details as I have time (and energy).

In short.. Ben had a seizure last Monday, on Feb 4. It started at daycare and continued for close to an hour, which is atypical. He also didn't have a fever when it started. Other than that, all of his tests have come back normal and we have some upcoming tests later this month that we hope will continue to be normal. He may or may not have more seizures.. we just have to wait and see. In the meantime, we've been trained on how to administer meds if he does have a seizure and his daycare has their own seizure kit for him as well. After their quick action and compassion that was shown last week, there is no one that I'd trust with Ben more at this point in time (well.. aside from having him with me or with Shiela.. *laff*)..

ok.. here are the pics and bits of the story in chronological order:


I dropped Benjamin off at daycare Monday morning.. it was just like any other morning. He absolutely LOVES the new baby at daycare and was giving him hugs and kisses before I left. This was the image that I left daycare with:



At about 3:30pm, Shiela called me. She had me on one phone and the daycare on the other phone. The daycare had her on one phone and 911 on the other phone. It was quite chaotic. Our poor daycare provider is bilingual, but she was so freaked out by everything and worried sick over Benjamin that she had her son do the talking on the phone. As soon as I heard Shiela's voice I knew something was going on and it only took seconds to hear the words "hospital" and "ambulance" as I was putting on my coat and grabbing my car keys. Ben was having a seizure. We didn't know more than that. He was being taken by ambulance to Winchester Hospital (i've spent quality time there myself.. they practically know me by name.. sorta like Tim the toolman Tanner.. anyway...). I was off. I stopped in my boss's office long enough to tell him I was leaving and then bolted for the car.

I honestly don't know how fast I drove.. I know I didn't get stopped, I didn't run over any elderly or small children, and I stopped at all of the red lights (at least the ones I noticed). I called my mom on the way and had a mini-breakdown over the phone-- she told me to put both hands on the wheel and call her when i knew something. little did she know that I was probably hitting 60 mph on suburban side streets while on the phone. (i guess she knows now!)

I got to the hospital and flew up the ramp to the front door.. hopping out.. leaving the car running.. yelling at some dude in a Winchester Hospital jacket that I needed it parked. He managed to throw a valet parking ticket at me before I passed him by. He could have been some joe schmoe off the street and would have had a brand new minivan for all I cared at that moment.

I actually arrived at the hospital before the ambulance did. This made no sense to me until I learned this morning from the daycare provider who traveled in the ambulance with him that they stopped a few times on the way to administer different meds or attempt to at least. They could find an IV, so they ended up having to shoot a line into the marrow of his calf bone. That's an image I'm glad I didn't have to see... but it let them get him the meds he needed.

I saw the ambulance drive in and went back to the desk and said "i'm going back.. he's here". she calmly said "yes ma'am.. let me just be sure that this is Benjamin before we go back there". She went into the back and came out two minutes later to buzz me in.

When I got to his ER room, nothing could have prepared me for what it was like to see my little baby surrounded by a doctor and about 8 nurses STILL seizing and being worked on by the medical team. They were going through a protocol to stop the seizure and hadn't had any luck yet. In the end, the seizure lasted at least 45 minutes although I think it was more like an hour. It was a good 20 minutes after I got there when the seizure broke. The tension relief in the room was so significant that you could practically touch it.

Three of the daycare crew were there with me as was a woman I work with to provide support for me until shiela could get there. She was taking a cab from her work and was stuck in traffic.

Ben continued to exhibit some "posturing" for about an hour after he stopped seizing. His legs were stretched out and clamped together with his toes pointed down. His arms were also clamped tight to his body with his fists tight and turned in.

Over the next hour or so, Ben had a CT Scan, a chest x-ray (which showed that he had aspirated some saliva during the seizure) and a lumbar puncture. Unfortunately some of the sedation from the meds they gave him had started to wear off by the time he had his lumbar puncture, so he did scream when they inserted the needle -- but the doctor was actually happy about that.. it meant that he was responsive, which is good.

Once Ben was stable, they arranged for us to be transferred to Children's Hospital in Boston. Ironic, because it is within walking distance from Shiela's work.. and she had just torn across town in a cab to the community hospital only to trek back downtown later that night.

Here is a picture of ben that was taken shortly after the seizure stopped. He had not regained consciousness, but was responsive and his arms and legs had relaxed by this point.



A bit later -- we managed to ditch the oxygen mask (he wouldn't keep it on even though he was barely awake) and he fell asleep waiting for the ambulance to transport us to Children's.



Once we got to Children's, the wait was on. I rode with Ben in the ambulance and Shiela managed to find our car and went home to get some clothes and things for us since we had been warned that we'd likely be there a day or two. We arrived at Children's Hospital ER at about 8PM. By about 1AM, Ben finally fell asleep cuddle with his Mamom on the hospital gurney.. don't they look comfortable?



At about 4AM, Ben had another chest xray (THAT didn't go over well) and we were transfered to a room. Since they normally only allow one parent to stay with the child (like hell they could have gotten either of us to leave).. they said that one of us could sleep with him in the crib. It turned out that the only way he would sleep was either with me in the crib with him:



or while laying on one of us:



The rest of the time, he basically screamed. He was tired, hurting, terrified, confused, etc.. it was horrible given that he was too young to understand any of what was going on. Here is a picture of him during a rare quiet time when he was playing with a car in his crib:



We also took a walk down to the "Activity Room" on our floor and Ben played for a bit with their cars. He liked putting all of the hotwheels little cars into Barbie's big pink VW bug. He tired quickly and we headed back to his room for the remainder of the day.



He finally took a nice nap in his crib by himself while Shiela and I ate dinner (our first meal since the start of all of this.. aside from snagging jello and chocolate ice cream from the floor's kitchen).

The neuro team saw him a few times that day and they tracked his stats all day and decided to discharge him that evening (Tues). We were given a seizure kit with meds to administer if he should have another seizure and he will be having an MRI and an EEG once his brain has had a few weeks to recover. Then we have another consult with the neuro team at Children's and will go from there. Our pediatrician saw him on Thursday night and made us feel relatively confident that the remaining testing will not likely show anything since he has made a full recovery and has not had any more or any different symptoms. We're going with that.

Here is a picture that was taken on Wednesday, the day after we came home. He has his own program on my computer that does ABC's and 123's.. it felt good to be home!



Now that a bit of time has passed (it's a week from when all of this happened), I'm happy to say that Ben continues to improve by the day and seems to be back to his former self, both in spirit and in mobility/development. We have some testing ahead and he still has to get tubes in his ears.. but we'll take it one day at a time. Right now, it's 5pm and I'm ready to go pick the big guy up from daycare!

Our beautiful BABY is growing up:

Our days of him being happy while confined in "baby equipment" are over:




Ben took his first steps while at my dad's house on Christmas Night. It was out of the blue.. he had been walking around while holding onto our hands for a few months, but absolutely refused to go out on his own even if we dangled dangerous items like plastic bags, sissors and lit candles in front of him. On Christmas.. he just walked.. 4-6 steps.. just like that.. just like he had been doing it for months.

About two weeks ago, I was on a business trip. When I called Shiela to say that we were wrapping things up and that I'd definitely be home that night.. Ben decided to crawl across the room. Shiela said, and I quote, "holy crap, Jen.. he just crawled!"

It took him another week or so to master the task, but he is currently 100% on the move. He is crawling like he has been doing it for months.. sitting up from a crawling position like it's nothing.. pulling himself up to a standing position with the greatest of ease.. and let me tell you.. the cats are NOT happy. Nanook is traumatized enough by the safety gates that he can't jump over without knocking them down (long story).. and Ty absolutely REFUSES to be dominated by another male in this family (Nanook being #1).. so we have several face-offs as Ben chases the cats around.

Last night.. in a fit of being overwhelmed after my darling son had pulled on the wires of the NICU fish tank (another long story) and then attacked the vacuum (even after I turned it on to "scare" him) and then got stuck under the high chair bonking his head while trying to sit up and screaming his head off... i lost it. and like any halfway sane mother.. i whipped out the pack and play. I put that sucker together in no time flat... well.. more like 15 minutes.. because the damned sides wouldn't click into place and the legs kept on splaying out like Bambi on an iced over pond and whenever I was close Ben would crawl over and stick his fingers under it and scream, even though it wasn't touching him. I finally got the structure built.. sweating.. and Shiela gets home from work and says something to the effect of "wow.. it looks like something exploded in here".

it. was. me.

Ben, at this point, was sitting quietly smiling while playing with some of his cars.

and it starts....

So ok.. for any of you who know me.. you also know that I've had an irrational fear of the telephone from birth. I think my mother must have tied me to my highchair with the old 30 food spiral phone cords or something when i was an infant, because I can think of no other good reason why picking up a phone to call someone or to answer an incoming call triggers panic. You'd think I had to use the phone to fight off a bear or something. Anyway.. caller ID has helped with that.. at least I know who is calling before i press the dreaded "send" button (that irritates me.. why can't cell phones just say "talk" like home phones.. when I'm answer a call.. "send" makes no sense.. unless it's that I'm trying to avoid the call, which is the norm for me).

AN example.. I called my psychologist today to schedule an appointment (i.e. I called him saying "god ken, please find a way to fit me in before my appointment Thursday, I can't wait that long!").. when he called me back.. it showed up on the caller ID who it was... what did I do? i let it go to voice mail. it's my friggin PSYCHOLOGIST! he knows I do this too, which makes it all the more ironic.

Anyway.. on the topic of cell phones. just because I hate talking on the phone.. hate ordering pizza over the phone.. hate having the ringer go off and have to check the caller ID to make that dreaded decision of what to do with the "send" button..

just because of all that doesn't mean I don't NEED the top of the line cell phone on the market. And even then.. it doesn't mean that I don't find fault in that cell phone and get it replace twice because of a hissing in the ear piece that no one but me can hear. And even then.. it doesn't mean that I don't lose the darned thing at least once every other day (last summer i lost one under my desk at work and filed a police report... i'm. not. kidding.)

so i was checking our wireless account online today and found out that shiela and i are both due for phone upgrades THIS THURSDAY. this was like finding out that we get a second shot at Christmas morning in late January. My fingers fly over the keyboard as I search the new range of cellular telephony, "smart" phones.. and some sort of fruit (blackberries) that are available now. While I know that the one I WANT... the one that's been advertised to people like me every 10 minutes on every channel known to man.. is too expensive (shiela told me that because she already had checked it).. I quickly find a suitable alternative.

BUT.. it turns out that the new phones offer all sorts of new features.. and those features have to either be activated on your current plan, or you need to upgrade your plan. So i whip out Excel (as much as anyone can "whip out" a program on a computer) so I can start comparing our current plan with the upgrades that I NEED for the phone that I MUST HAVE... THURSDAY.

I realize that I have to prepare a finely tuned presentation for my wife, who is the holder of the checkbook (because I can NOT be trusted around technology stores) to convince her that our very safety and the security of our son absolutely DEPENDS on us upgrading our phones (and adding the navigation feature that "my phone" has).

All this... so that I can forget to charge it and lose it constantly. My mother doesn't even try to call my phone.. she calls shiela because she knows she'll get someone on the line.

As an aside.. much like email.. i LOVE txt messaging.. it's like calling on the phone without having to talk.. a MUST for a closet-case agoraphobic. (that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one)

So I have a thing against "new years resolutions".. mainly because they are set up to fail from the start and nothing like putting undue pressure on yourself right as we enter the dreariest part of the year. It's 5 degrees outside.. I don't give a damn about "I'm going to walk at least a mile a day"... no friggin way. I'm going to get in my nice heated car and drive up the hill to pick up my beautiful toddler and rush back into the car to drive home. The most exercise I plan to get today involves walking up the stairs to our apartment.

Ok.. so that aside.. my "non-resolution" this year is to write a blog a day. I thought it would be #1: fun, #2: cathartic and #3: a great way to look back on time that seems to be flying by so quickly.

Well.. it turns out that time is flying by so quickly that it is currently January 21st and this is the first time I've blogged this year. I think I have to work on that.

Our boy likes green beans and peas?!?!?! He must get that from his donor dad along with his beautiful red hair!

Our family has a VERY established routine on workdays.

Benjamin typically wakes up while Shiela is getting ready for work (around 5:30am). I'm not sure what they do, but it usually ends with Benjamin being dropped off with me (still in bed) with a bottle (for Ben.. not for me). Depending on how awake Ben is, he either drinks his bottle and goes right back to sleep in bed with me, or we'll hang out for a bit and watch Nick or Disney before he takes his bottle.



The alarm goes off at 7:30am. If I'm smart, I get up just before that and get into the shower. That way Benjamin is still sleeping. Usually we snooze the alarm a few times, so by the time I'm ready to get ready for work.. he's wide awake and ready to play. This makes the rest of our routine quite challenging. Let's just say that it's a GREAT day when I actually have the chance to shower BEFORE work. Every day I tell myself that "tomorrow", I will get up earlier. Yeah right.. cuddling with my son watching Little Einsteins is one of my favorite parts of the day (except when he starts kicking me in the head).

Once we're all dressed and ben has pooped (why can't he do this BEFORE Mamom leaves.. noooooo.. he waits until his little nap before I have to get up to do THAT duty...), we head out to the living room.

Benjamin either goes into his exersaucer or he sits on his play mat and well.. plays. By this point, we're usually at least 15 minutes behind schedule, so I spend that time running around grabbing bottles and baby food and binkies and occationally I even manage to get something for myself.

The other day, Benjamin was playing with his drum while I was running laps around the kitchen (if you've visited us, you know what I'm talking about).. he was far too happy.. I should have known he was up to something. He was squealing and banging away on the drum. I was oblivious to the fact that I had somehow left my cell phone within his reach and he had it on the drum head and was wailing the hell out of the thing. Luckily he didn't do any damage. Like a responsible mom.. instead of taking the dangerous and expensive item away from the child with the drum.. I ran for the camera...



After saving my cell phone, Ben took it well and continued his practice session on the "skins".. Here is a pic of him concentrating REALLY hard on his technique:



Finally.. we were ready to head out. Here is a pic of Benjamin with his new lunchbox!



All this before collecting all of our belongings (while not forgetting the car/house keys) and stumbling down the stairs to the car without dropping the binky (or the baby). The it's over the river and through the woods to Grandma-Ruth's...

How could those beautiful blue eyes be anything but perfect?!


Well...

Over the past few days, Ben's eyes have been red and itchy. It hasn't really looked like pink eye and I couldn't find any obvious scratches or anything. He did have a bit of a cold last week, so we sort of thought it may have backed up into his eyes and/or he may have an ear infection and/or it could be teething madness.. you know the drill. new parents.. picture the baby playing happily while we're ripping through Baby 411 trying to find out what an itchy reddish eye could be indicative of. Not surprisingly, the options ranged from "a mild irritation" to "stand back it's going to blow!".

Since it wasn't getting better quick enough for us, we took him in to the pediatrician last night after work. He sat contently while the doctor looked at his eyes and checked his ears and listened to his heart and lungs. He even figured out how to unplug the little machine that powers the otoscope and the ophthalmoscope. I plugged that back in though... 8 times. He also likes to crinkle the paper on the exam table. He hasn't reached the age where this experience triggers uncontrollable screaming yet.. that'll be next month.

Anyway.. the pedi gave us the option of taking him in to the ER at Mass Eye and Ear to get him checked or taking him home and getting him in to a pediatric ophthamologist first this this morning. Since he wasn't appearing to be in any pain or having any light sensitivity, she felt comfortable with us going home and waiting until today.

In the meantime, I decided that this must all be due to him rubbing his face/eyes after getting sunscreen on his hands.

Tear Free my @$$:


In the end, we found out that his eyes are just fine and that with another day of applying some ointment, he should be back to 100%.

Edited 8/10/07: Turns out it WAS pink eye.. and a raging case of viral pink eye at that. We've got him on drops now and -- *cross fingers and toes* -- it seems a little better. Hopefully he'll be feeling better in a day or two. The good news is that he's still smiling!





With any luck, handling him while wearing a biohazard suit will keep me from picking it up this time.. because we all know what happened to me the last time THAT happened!...

On the morning of December 19, 2006, I had a doctor's appointment with Dr. Sandy Mason in her office at the Shapiro Building of Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital, in Boston, MA. I had been put on bed rest the Thursday before, because of my blood pressure. It had been slowly creeping up over the previous weeks.

That morning, Shiela packed a bag for me and for the baby. I thought she was nuts. I wasn't having a baby that day. I had plans. We were going to go to the doctor's office.. then we'd likely have to go to L&D (Labor & Delivery) to sit in triage for a while so they could check on the baby with an ultrasound and NST (non-stress test) and maybe some bloodwork to rule out early pre-eclampsia.. then we'd be sent home.

Just. like. before.

Shiela ignored me and started pulling out pieces of clothing and items like my toothbrush while saying "do you want this?" while dropping it into the bag. I was cranky and just said "whatever" to just about all of her questions. I paid a little more attention to her while she was packing the baby's bag -- we needed to have the correct coming home outfit on hand, after all!

So Shiela lugs the two bags and a very lumpy and grumpy wife down to the car for our trip into Boston. My health had deteriorated a bit since the last time I was out and even getting to and sitting in the car was difficult.

We got to the doctor's office building and parked. I refused the wheelchair that Shiela was going to get (this was before she started ignoring my flagrant disregard for her advice.) I hobbled from the car to the elevator and from the elevator to the doctor's office while clutching Shiela's arm. After checking in for my appointment, I peed in a cup and took my seat waiting for my turn. All of this was routine.. I had been doing it almost weekly for 8 months.

The nurse called my name and we walked back to the exam rooms where she weighed me (I was down a few pounds) and then took my blood pressure. ::pause::

She was new. It had to be wrong.

She took my blood pressure again.

:: pause ::

My blood pressure was up to 168/124.

For those of you not in "the know".. this is obscenely high. I'm lucky I hadn't had a seizure on the way in to the office (now I felt a bit stupid for refusing the wheelchair.. doh). The nurse was a bit pale (so was I) as she made a note in my chart and gave me a gown to get changed into.

Two seconds later (unfortunately it was after I had already changed), Dr Mason came in holding my chart saying "hey... what's with the blood pressure?". I made some stupid quip like "I've been working hard on it" and she smiled politely as she called for a wheelchair to take me directly over to L&D. I knew this was coming.. this was routine. I needed to get things checked out there so that they could tell me to take it easy and stay off my feet. That was until Dr. Mason said "I just got off my shift, so I won't be in L&D today -- it will be the doctor-on-call's call, but I expect to see you when I come on tomorrow morning." um.. she means.. "you'll be admitted for hospital bedrest and I'll see ya later..." right?

So I roll my body into the wheelchair and Shiela pushes me through the long hallways that separate the Shapiro Building from the main hospital. We headed for the 10th floor. It looked different this time. We signed in and laughed nervously when the intake assistant asked the name of our pediatrician. We had one sort of picked out, but not really. At least we knew a name, so we gave that name... we had time, after all. I was just 8 months pregnant.

They came and brought us into the triage area, where I got into a nappy looking hospital gown, and they strapped me up to the monitors to check my blood pressure along with my heart rate, the baby's heart rate, and any contractions that i may have been having (i wasn't). They barely had me plugged in and had blood drawn before they were moving me from the triage area through the big double-doors to the real Labor and Delivery rooms.

I hadn't signed up for this. I was NOT having a baby that day. I had plans to watch Shiela decorate the Christmas Tree that afternoon for pete's sake.

The good news about the L&D rooms was that we had our own space and didn't have to risk listening to any other patients yelping or cursing. The bad news was that we didn't have any distractions to keep me from yelping and cursing. They got me all rigged up again. My blood pressure was still running above 150/110 consistently.



The doctor who was on that day was Dr. Anastasia Koniaras and she absolutely rocked. She came in and checked me all out and then sat us down (well.. I was already laying down and Shiela was to frantic to sit) to explain our options. My blood pressure was in the severe range and this was a risk to both the baby and to myself. I also had protein in my urine, which led them to diagnose my condition as severe pre-eclampsia. The only "cure" for pre-eclampsia is to deliver the baby. The doctor's charge, if you will, is to balance the options regarding when to deliver the baby (and how).

Given that I was already over 35 weeks along (this is still 2 weeks premature), they felt comfortable that the baby would not have any long term health problems due to being delivered early. He would need to stay in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for at least 24 hours, as that was the hospital's rule for pre-36 weekers. There was a good chance, however, that he could need to be in the NICU for up to 2-3 weeks depending on if he needs any medical assistance. The longer they could keep the baby in the womb, the better.

I, however, couldn't wait. Dr. Koniaras explained that we could try starting me on meds to drop my blood pressure and to try to keep the pre-eclampsia in control, but she estimated that the most time we'd be able to buy would be 10-12 hours. The fact that we were counting in hours and not days, was critical. My health was deteriorating fast. The other issue was that I had stopped being insulin dependant, which implied that the placenta's function was changing -- this is not good. The good news was that I was already dilated 3cm (news to us!), so a vaginal birth may have been possible.

When she got to the part where she asked us for our input -- we both agreed and didn't hesitate to say "we agree with whatever you think is best."

We were having a baby.

Soon.

Once we gave them the go-ahead to get things moving, things started to really speed along. As they were getting me rigged up with even more tubes and tanks and pumps, Shiela was on the phone trying to return a Santa suit. (long story!).

A few minutes later, they had me rigged up to receive a mega-dose of magnesium sulfate, which was to control the pre-eclampsia and prevent me from having any seizures (we hoped). The mega-dose would run for a half hour and then they would turn the pump down to a maintenance dose. They also had me rigged to receive pitocin, to induce labor. Since I hadn't made it to the 36 week mark, they had not yet tested me for some type of strep, so they also administered a mega-cocktail of antibiotics, just in case. Toss in a few liters of IV-fluids, and I was good to go!

It was 3PM, December 19, 2006

When explaining all of the meds and what to expect, the nurse brought Shiela a pink bucket filled with ice and washcloths. She said "keep her cool". They warned me that the magnesium would cause "hot flashes". Within a minute of starting the drip, I felt this searing pain in my stomach and lower abdomen. It felt like I had been lit on fire. Literally. The heat washed up over me and even the air I breathed felt hot. Shiela kept swapping washcloths and putting ice on me and watching it instantaneously melt while watching in fear.

The good news was that after the first half hour, my blood pressure had dropped significantly and the heat induced by the regular maintenance dose felt like a relief.

The relief was short lived. By the time the initial dose of magnesium had dropped off, the pitocin had kicked in and I was contracting every 90 or so seconds. I had a nurse with me constantly because I was their "special patient" that afternoon. Shiela took off to quickly get rid of the Santa Suit (hahaha) and grab a sandwich while I was riding out the early labor and trying to rest up for the next round.

I managed to last until about 6PM, when I decided that I had proved that I had experienced real labor and that I was ready for my epidural. By this point, the contractions were really strong and coming every 90 seconds still. What further convinced me was that I was just dialated 3.5 cm. After waiting about 5 minutes for the anesthesiologist, Shiela was asked to leave the room so they could administer the epidural. I told her to eat her sandwich. She responded "you can't eat, so neither am I". um.. yeah.. so the nurse and I forced her to eat the sandwich she bought earlier.

The anesthesiologist came in and she and the nurse helped me sit up in the bed (easier said than done while having contractions!). They had me lean forward over a pillow and bend my back forward as much as possible. They taped off an area of my back and cleaned it with iodine before injecting a numbing agent. Just then, the door crashed open (I'm not exagerating here) and the head anesthesiologist came rushing in saying "DON'T DO IT!!!"

Not. exactly. comforting.

So the nurse and the head anesthesiologist got into an argument in front of me about whether I was going in for a cesarean or not. Um... what?

After a minute or two (it felt like days), my doctor came back in and in a quiet and calm voice, explained that the baby was showing a bit of distress and that he wasn't "tolerating the pitocin very well". Basically -- after every contraction, his heart rate would drop just a little bit. It was staying within the safe range, but it was still a pattern that they weren't happy seeing. Dr. K's advice was to go for a c-section now, when there was no rush. She explained that she doesn't like drama and that in her opinion, there was a 0% chance of me actually completing a vaginal birth. She anticipated that if we were to try for it, at some point, the baby's heart rate would fluctuate too much, or my blood pressure would fluctuate too much, and we'd have to rush to do an emergency c-section. A "planned emergency c-section" was her preference. I agreed.

Meanwhile, Shiela was out in the family waiting room eating her tuna sandwich.

My nurse did a bit to prep me for surgery, including.. most importantly.. stopping the *&#$*&ing pitocin drip. The relief was incredible.. I was still contracting, but it was NOTHING like the induced contractions. Once I was ready, she went and got Shiela, who still had no idea that we had changed plans.

When they were walking into my L&D room (which turned into a L&R room.. Labor and Recovery.. I never actually delivered there..).. the nurse said calmly, "oh.. she's having a c-section". Luckily, Shiela managed to not spew her tuna sandwich across the room.. but the look on her face was priceless. If I had my camera.. that's the shot I woulda got... right there... that's the one...

Ok.. so now that our plans have changed, we were just waiting for another doctor to finish up with something (probably dinner) so that she could assist my doctor with the surgery. When she was finally available, around 6:30pm, they wheeled me down to the operating room.

Shiela, donned in surgical scrubs, had to wait in my L&R room until they administered the spinal. They told her that it would take about 15 minutes.

45 minutes later, they came and got her to bring her into the operating room to be with me.

What, you ask, were we doing in there for 45 minutes? Well let me tell you all the gross details. When we got there, it was SOOOO cold. I couldn't believe how cold it was. The nurse said that they always keep operating rooms that cold. I found it hard to believe and I was a bit worried about my baby's transition from my warm body to the friggin arctic. They still refused to adjust the temperature.

They did, however, adjust the radio dial. Unfortunately, they didn't get 106.7, which is one of my fav. channels.. but they did get reception for a good classic rock channel, so that was it.

They had me sit up again so that they could administer the spinal block. That was less than fun. I had heard time and time again that it was just a pinch and it was done. Well.. that assumes that they can get through your vertebrae and into the spinal cavity, which I guess was difficult with me. It took several tries and they still didn't have the line in place. Everything started to get dark and their voices and the music seemed really far away (uh oh!). I said in a dreamy voice.. "i don't feel good". The nurse asked "do you feel like you're going to pass out". I responded "yep!" in the same dreamy voice. They immediately stopped whatever they were doing back there and had me lay down on my left side.

Whew.. I felt much better. They finished administering the spinal with me laying on my side. Unfortunately, since I was laying on my side, only my left side went numb at first. This was really freaky.. my left side was like lead and my right side had pins and needles, but otherwise felt fine. (uh oh!).

I informed the anesthesiologists of this and it seemed like they had anticipated it. They split up and had two people on each side of me lifting the sheet I was on and rolling me back and forth on the operating table to "even things out". I managed to last through about 4-5 rolls before I started puking.

and puking.

and puking.

ugh.

then.... relief! I'm not sure what the anesthesiologist gave me.. but it was WONDERFUL! Not only did the puking stop, but I felt like a million bucks! That was when they brought Shiela in.. I was all giddy and smiley saying "i puked" as she was cautiously looking around the room for signs of what catastrophic event occured while she was waiting 45 minutes for them to come get her.

45 minutes.

Ok... so now it's surgery time. My perception of time passage officially was obliterated with whatever happy meds they gave me during the surgery. It took months before I had a sense of how long a day was. Anyway..

Shiela sat to my left, just behind my head. I asked her to tell me stories so I couldn't hear the doctor's saying things like "scalpal" and "suction", or worse.. the actual suction.. blech! Dr. K. asked Shiela if she wanted to take a picture of the baby when he was born and both she and I said yes!

A few minutes passed and Dr. K. said "ok, it's time" and Shiela stood up and took pictures as they lifted our beautiful son into the world.

He was not happy.



His cry was the most beautiful sound that I'd ever heard. It was a cry that showed that his lungs were working, which was my biggest fear given his prematurity. I laid there on the operating table with tears rolling down my cheeks, just listening to him.

There was a team from the NICU there (not sure when they arrived.. or really how many of them there were.. I was oblivious from behind that curtain) and they took the baby and checked him out and cleaned him up a bit before wrapping him in a blanket and bringing him over for me to see.

I kissed him on the forehead and still remember how incredibly soft his skin was.

Benjamin Deacon Hinckley was born 4 weeks and 4 days early, on December 19, 2006 at 7:45 PM. He was 5 lbs, 13.8 oz and 19 inches long. Our precious miracle...



For more pictures.. click here.

Benjamin's first trip to Robbins Park in Arlington. He absolutely LOVED the big swing! We had a great time visiting with Ben's new friend, Blake, who came all the way from Illinois for a visit!

Yesterday marked our first Father's Day with Benjamin. While he is far too young to have any idea how special his family is, we know that in the future, this day will trigger a wide range of questions and emotions.

In the simplest words, Benjamin was conceived through alternative insemination with the help of both infertility treatments and the generosity of a sperm donor. Reading it in black and white, it sounds very clinical. I often wonder if those who haven't experienced infertility and those who haven't needed the help of a sperm or egg donor can understand the depth of emotion wrapped around the clinical medical jargon.

I often think about the chain of individual moments that led us to where we are today. If anything had gone differently, we would not have our Benjamin. It's overwhelming to realize how important every step of our lives is.. every breath, every thought and every decision holds with it the weight of our future. I decided to write down a bit about how we came to find Benjamin's "donor-dad" in honor of Ben's first Father's Day. Maybe the words that I come up with now.. when Ben is just 6 months old.. will help answer some questions and put him at ease in the future.

We selected Ben's donor-dad in December of 2003 when we lived in Malden, MA. We had an appointment at the Fenway Community Health Center in Boston, where we had been participating in their AI (alternative insemination) program. There was a snow storm that weekend and Malden got almost 3 feet of snow. Because of the weather, we had to take the "T" downtown -- our truck wouldn't have made it there and back.

Here is a slideshow of pictures from our trip downtown and of our old neighborhood in Malden.

We sat in their upstairs meeting room and read through the long profiles for about two dozen donors that had made our short list. Our short list was made by filtering through the hundreds of cataloged available donors to select men that were similar in ancestry to both of us and based on a few simple characteristics -- brown hair, blue or green eyes, average height and build. One donor that made our short list that did not fit this description had strawberry blonde hair. There was something about this donor that caught our attention.

As we read through the long profile for each donor, we quickly brought our list from about two dozen down to two. It amazed me how "easy" it was.. we just knew. The other really interesting part of this is that both Shiela and I agreed every step of the way. There was never a point where one of us was trying to convince the other that one donor was preferable over another.

After about an hour, we had two charts on the table. The donor with the strawberry blonde hair was one of them. The final step was to check the donor's CMV status. CMV stands for Cytomegalovirus. If a mom becomes infected with this virus while she is pregnant, then there is a risk to the baby. If a donor has been exposed to the virus and the bio-mom has not, then there is a risk to the baby. I had been tested negative for CMV, so we needed to select a donor who was also CMV-negative. Of our two "finalists"... Mr. Strawberry-Blonde was negative and the other was not.

Selecting a donor was a very challenging and surreal experience, emotionally. We were selecting the biological father of our future child. This wasn't something that either of us took lightly. Overwhelming... yes! Surprisingly, the final decision did not end up feeling difficult. Something about our donor-dad clicked with us from the beginning and we never second-guessed our decision.

Ben was conceived in April of 2006. I remember some of my thoughts in the early days of my pregnancy. This man that was the biological father of my future child became very real to me. I wondered what he looked like. I wondered what his laugh sounded like. I suddenly had a hundred questions that could never be answered on paper. This was a person who gave me a child. I wanted to thank him.

Benjamin was born in December of 2006. I've thought long and hard about how to answer the question "Do I have a father?". Yes, Benjamin, you do. Your father is a wonderful, generous, man who we love. We do not know his name and he does not know ours, but there is not a day that goes by where we don't think about him and thank him for helping our family.

Yesterday was Benjamin's first Father's Day. We honored his biological father, his donor-dad, by making a donation to the March of Dimes. We thought long and hard trying to find a tangible way to thank Ben's donor-dad. Our experience with Benjamin being born prematurely gave us insight to this idea. The March of Dimes has made a difference for so many children and families from the days of helping children with Polio to their tireless fight to end prematurity. We plan to make a donation each year on Father's Day in honor of Ben's donor-dad. Thank you.