So ok.. for any of you who know me.. you also know that I've had an irrational fear of the telephone from birth. I think my mother must have tied me to my highchair with the old 30 food spiral phone cords or something when i was an infant, because I can think of no other good reason why picking up a phone to call someone or to answer an incoming call triggers panic. You'd think I had to use the phone to fight off a bear or something. Anyway.. caller ID has helped with that.. at least I know who is calling before i press the dreaded "send" button (that irritates me.. why can't cell phones just say "talk" like home phones.. when I'm answer a call.. "send" makes no sense.. unless it's that I'm trying to avoid the call, which is the norm for me).

AN example.. I called my psychologist today to schedule an appointment (i.e. I called him saying "god ken, please find a way to fit me in before my appointment Thursday, I can't wait that long!").. when he called me back.. it showed up on the caller ID who it was... what did I do? i let it go to voice mail. it's my friggin PSYCHOLOGIST! he knows I do this too, which makes it all the more ironic.

Anyway.. on the topic of cell phones. just because I hate talking on the phone.. hate ordering pizza over the phone.. hate having the ringer go off and have to check the caller ID to make that dreaded decision of what to do with the "send" button..

just because of all that doesn't mean I don't NEED the top of the line cell phone on the market. And even then.. it doesn't mean that I don't find fault in that cell phone and get it replace twice because of a hissing in the ear piece that no one but me can hear. And even then.. it doesn't mean that I don't lose the darned thing at least once every other day (last summer i lost one under my desk at work and filed a police report... i'm. not. kidding.)

so i was checking our wireless account online today and found out that shiela and i are both due for phone upgrades THIS THURSDAY. this was like finding out that we get a second shot at Christmas morning in late January. My fingers fly over the keyboard as I search the new range of cellular telephony, "smart" phones.. and some sort of fruit (blackberries) that are available now. While I know that the one I WANT... the one that's been advertised to people like me every 10 minutes on every channel known to man.. is too expensive (shiela told me that because she already had checked it).. I quickly find a suitable alternative.

BUT.. it turns out that the new phones offer all sorts of new features.. and those features have to either be activated on your current plan, or you need to upgrade your plan. So i whip out Excel (as much as anyone can "whip out" a program on a computer) so I can start comparing our current plan with the upgrades that I NEED for the phone that I MUST HAVE... THURSDAY.

I realize that I have to prepare a finely tuned presentation for my wife, who is the holder of the checkbook (because I can NOT be trusted around technology stores) to convince her that our very safety and the security of our son absolutely DEPENDS on us upgrading our phones (and adding the navigation feature that "my phone" has).

All this... so that I can forget to charge it and lose it constantly. My mother doesn't even try to call my phone.. she calls shiela because she knows she'll get someone on the line.

As an aside.. much like email.. i LOVE txt messaging.. it's like calling on the phone without having to talk.. a MUST for a closet-case agoraphobic. (that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one)