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I stumbled onto this at ArtLung's blog. It made me happy.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

4 Comments:

  1. moo said...
    um ... did you know there is a giant, unmovable survey at the top of this post? And so I cannot get the full impact because of it? very weird. and sad.
    Giovanna Diaries said...
    This is hysterical!
    I laughed out loud at lots of those!
    And I'm too dumb to understand Moo's comment.
    Jen said...
    i'm confused too, moo.. giant unmovable survey?
    June said...
    I LOVE this, Jenn!!! Reminds me of Tues as I was out doing a few little errands before heading home. I stopped at CVS to print up some photos. As I headed toward my van, the car next to me was parked waaay too close, preventing me from being able to use my lift. I waited... As the lady was FINALLY backing out of her 'spot', I was EASING up to my van. Just about the time I was even w/her front bumper, suddenly I hear a 'pop'...wonder where that came from. About the same time I looked down at my left leg----you got it...I had been plastered with KETCHUP!!! She'd ran over a teeny packet of ketchup & ALL OF IT landed on my left side - from shoulder to ankle. Taught me a lesson, not to be in a big hurry to get to my van when another car is backing out next to me!!!!

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