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Ok.. so this is a vent that shares far too much personal information about my.. well.. my person.. but I am an open book, so here goes...

I am not a small person. Well.. I'm short.. but you know what I mean. I'm "a woman of size".. a chub-chub.. whatever you wanna call it (but be nice). I've struggled with my weight forever it seems, but most dramatically since I hit puberty and it has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. Now that I'm in my 30's and actually have a clue.. I know that I can truly say.. "it's glandular" although i know that I have a sweet tooth and don't always follow the best eating habits..

I'm insulin resistant and have been since my teens. google it. It basically means my pancreas and pituitary gland aren't communicating well and as a result, If I had a carb.. my body packs it away for winter warmth even though I live in a time and place where LL Bean can provide that warmth. Insulin resistance goes right along with PCOS (google it) which was my big battle in terms of infertility. It turns out that controlling the insulin resistance, lowering my DHEA as a result of this, and leveling out my hormones along with taking a boat load of ovulation induction meds and progesterone support resulted in me being able to conceive our beautiful son. Insulin resistance has been a thorn in my side for decades. I can diet my butt off, but not lose a single pound.

So why am I venting about this now? Well.. I went in to see my boob oncologist on Monday for my final once-over. I've been given the "all clear" sign that I guess it's normal for one boob to double in size over a month or so.. whatever.. all the tests came back normal.. there's nothing for her to lop off.

BUT... before she let me take off that stupid pink half-shirt of a paper gown.. she says.......

"I'm worried about you having Type 2 Diabetes at your age.. I highly recommend that you talk to your PCP about surgical options". Blankly.. i said "um.. surgical options to diabetes?" .. last i heard, there was no cure and removing one's pancreas doesn't work. she smiles politely and says "no dear.. weight loss surgery".

Keep in mind that this woman probably weighs about the same amount that I do except she's about 4 feet tall and looks like the old lady in Poltergeist.

I was BLOWN AWAY. You're mentioning weight loss SURGERY to me? Two things... I've lost 60 lbs since October when I was diagnosed with Type 2 and actually went on meds to help control it (and to deal with my PCOS issues). Second.. I have friggin ulcerative colitis.. just how much of my digestive system do you want to lop off? what happens if my colon goes on me down the road.. do we just want to just connect my mouth up to my @ss (some might argue that the connection is already in place)?

wtf? (mom.. ask beck what that one means.. it's like "lol" but different.)

So.. being an engineer.. I decided to think back to some of my major milestones where I can remember my weight.. like when Shiela moved here, at different points during my infertility treatments, when ben was conceived, when ben was born, and then of course.. this last 6 months since the Type 2 hit, which has been my biggest fluctuation to date. Here's a graph:

I'm mortified STILL that she would recommend this surgery to someone who is down to 186 lbs from over 250 (i stopped getting on the scale, but at one point i was gaining a pound a day) in less than six months. I haven't been in the 180's since I was in college! I'm officially out of the "morbidly obese" range and have been for a while.. and I'm one BMI point from being out of the "obese" range.. give me a week and I'll just be "overweight".

I have two HUGE things weighing (hahaha) on me for this.. #1.. i want to be able to keep up and play with my son and do all of the things that I want to do with him.. like go on rides at Disney World and coach his t-ball team (or mentor his chess club.. depending on his personality.. :) and #2.. we'd like to at least attempt to give Ben a little brother or sister.. and after the trainwreck that was my first pregnancy.. I refuse to even start treatment until my BMI is in the "normal" range.. so I've got 30 pounds to go.

Friggin "surgical options" my butt.


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