Well..

I'm not sure how well written this post will be. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions about this subject, but whether I can voice it using 26 letters, a few numbers and some weird and often misused punctuation has yet to be seen (see.. there.. i already f*&$ed up the punctuation and grammar.. now I can stop worrying about THAT).

It has been a whopper of a week at the TMAAB home. For those of you who are new readers.. it has taken lots of psychotherapy, but the root of most of my "problems" are with self-esteem and guilt. HA.. now how much did it cost me to figure that out? That's for another post.

I got slammed with post partum depression. Want to hear it summed up into one paragraph? I'm gay. i'm infertile. I was able to conceive with the help of a wonderful group of doctors, a wonderful and generous man that I do not know and a whole boatload of medication. Pregnancy changes my world. Nothing is more important than the little squishy dude growing inside of me. I sucked at being pregnant (shhh.. don't say anything, I already know this is the self-esteem thing.. just keep reading). I had gestational diabetes. I took insulin. I craved cinnamon buns that I couldn't have.. and dill pickles and anything with BBQ sauce slathered on it. My blood pressure held steady. I was monitored constantly. My blood pressure spiked. I was put on bedrest. I sucked at that. I developed pre-eclampsia. My baby was taken from me 4 weeks and 4 days too early and kept two floors away from me while I couldn't be with him for more than 24 hours. All this and I still seemed relatively sane. Then comes the clincher. Faulty boobs. I learned the hard way that I had no mammary function. Wham. I'm obviously not meant to be a parent.. which was the only thing in life I ever really wanted to be.

Looking back almost two years later.. wow.. I thought that was so hard.. little did I know how much guilt and terror could build up AFTER the child is here!

Ok.. so fast foward. Luckily, I've moved mostly past the PPD crap and do not feel like I wasn't "meant" to be a parent and do not feel like I failed at anything. That's why I spent the big bucks on all that therapy. Now we're in the present where I am learning just how terrifying the rest of my life will be. Granted.. I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world.. but still.. kids should come with a warning label.

Now.. this week.

Ben picked up a virus. A sore throat with a fever. Nothing major. With that fever, Ben had two seizures. Terror. It was just 3 days. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. He's doing fine today and is back at school. We're exhausted. Between the two of us, we struggled to get a handful of hours of sleep each night.. not because the baby was awake.. but because we were awake watching over him and making sure he was still breathing. And double-checking. Again. Just one more time.. just in case. "Every parent's fear this". Ok.. maybe so. But I held my child for about 5 second just two nights ago while he was completely unresponsive and NOT BREATHING. I will never shake the terror that I felt in that moment nor the relief that I felt when he cried seconds later after the seizure had broken.

Our nerves are raw. Our attention is finely tuned inward. There is nothing that even comes close to the importance of our child's health and safety. His laughter is the most beautiful sound in the world.

So.. snap back to reality. The title of this post is "a working mom's guilt". I haven't even mentioned my job in all of this. Why? Well.. because when telling the story of our week.. the important part is that Ben is ok. The important part is sharing my own feelings about these events. The important part is that Shiela and I are on the same page regarding how to proceed with the medical aspects of this.

What IS NOT important is the number of hours either of us worked in our house or in our respective office. What pisses me off is that a working mom's guilt made this week all the more difficult for both of us. Every day we worried about idle tasks at work. Every day we struggled with trying to get work done while not going insane with a screaming and sick child. I'm not saying that work isn't important. It obviously is. I'm also saying that what we do at work isn't important. Again.. it obviously is (or at least I hope it is.. I spend a whole lot of time doing it!). What I'm saying is that I can't stand the balancing act. I can't stand the fact that I spent even a second worrying about it. I'm irritated that I'm writing about it.

Have I explained how a working mom's guilt feels? Nope. Do I even understand it all? Nope. Do I have a fix? Nope.

Am I at work? Yes. Am I productive (aside from this blog posting)? Yes. If I'm going to be away from my family.. I'm going to make it worth my time.

On that note.. I have some things to get done so that I can go pick up my son.

Thanks to Snick for this link. Tonight is going to Rock.

Print your Sarah Palin VP Debate Bingo Cards here!!!

Ok.. This isn't a political blog. I hate debating (or opening myself up to debates) on a few subjects.. politics and religion top the list. I enjoy having discussions about said topics, but I dread things getting confrontational.. even if it's supposed to be "all in good fun".

So.. although I'm sure you're all disappointed.. I'm not going to ramble on and on about my political views, which are just about as wacked and convoluted as my religious views. I have trouble taking sides.. I tend to vote based on the issues and not based on the party affiliation. Go figure.

All that aside, I just can't help but sit in amazement of Sarah Palin's ride to the VP spot. I absolutely LOVE this. This isn't anything new, but I found this FICTIONAL Sarah Palin Quote Generator.. I just can't get enough. It cracks me up.

Tonight she will head off against Biden in the one and only VP debate. I'm practically giddy.

Well.. the poor little guy had another seizure earlier this evening. Both Ben and I were sick last week.. me more than Ben. He was still a little off over the weekend and today.. not specifically sick.. just not acting totally like himself.

Today was a typical Monday.. I was home from work and Ben and I ran some errands (and ran into someone) this morning and then it was home for naptime. I built an awesome train setup while Ben was sleeping (I have pictures if I can get around to uploading them). When he woke up from his nap, it was like Christmas morning. He saw the train setup and giggled and laughed and clapped. He played well for a while. I noticed that his eyes never lost that "I just woke up" haze.

Shiela had a doctor's appointment downtown this afternoon, so Ben and I piled into the car and drove down to meet her. While we were waiting for her, Ben dozed in his carseat. Not the norm after a 3 hour nap. Not the norm with his eyes at half-mast.

We watched him closely as we drove home. We had done this before.. why does his temp decide to spike when we're in the CAR. It's probably because we're driving around at 4:30pm when a kid's temp is the most likely to start jumping up for the evening. ugh!

He got warmer and warmer and kept yawning. As we got closer to our neighborhood I stepped on the gas. Ben giggled as we hit a few bumps in the car (at least we weren't hitting any other cars this time). We got home and ran him upstairs where I went to strip him down and change his diaper/check his temp and shiela grabbed the motrin. After we got that into him, we moved out to the living room. his temp was at 103.2'F.

Shiela sat with him in the rocker while I went to crush up one of his Klonopin (anti-seizure med) and mix it with some jello. He took that down fine (along with several bites of jello sans med. Then he snuggled against shiela and we watched and waited. We do think that the Motrin and Klonopin helped, but in the end he did end up having a seizure still. We were both watching him and shiela was holding him and said that she felt a rush of warmth as his temp spiked up even more and then he got really still. I pinched his shoulder in a way that one of the original neurologists showed me to test to see if he was responsive. He wasn't. It only lasted a few seconds. Just long enough for shiela to stand up to bring him somewhere to lay him down and he was already starting to fuss. The seizure had broken as quickly as it started.

We called his pediatrician. He'll be going in tomorrow for a checkup to see if he's got a virus brewing or if his ears are acting up. We'll be doing the Motrin/Tylenol rounds through the night to keep his temperature down until we get in to see the doc. We'll also keep the Klonopin coming. We're supposed to give that up to 3 times per day while he has a temperature and is at risk for a fever induced seizure (regardless of if we're calling them febrile seizures or epileptic fever-induced seizures).

All in all.. we did well. Ben was wobbly and irritable for a while... but he played well this evening after the seizure and even had some dinner and some milk from his tippy. He's asleep now. We'll be waking him up in about 2 hours for his next Motrin dose.

Shiela and I exchanged a high-five once we were comfortable that we had moved past the "seizure zone" and Ben's temp was coming down and he was acting more like himself. I'm sure it will always be a nerve wracking experience.. seeing your child sick just doesn't get easier.. but it does help to understand what is going on and to feel like we can help him and make him feel better.

I REALLY want to watch a disaster movie on the TV in our bedroom while I doze off to sleep. Hmmm.. that goes against the no-tv-in-the-bedroom rule. Did I honestly only make it one night? I'll let you know tomorrow!

As I've mentioned before, we are of the full-disclosure opinion when it comes to how to raise a child who was conceived with a little help from friends. Well, that's not our story.. but I felt the need to throw in some lyrics for some reason.. I guess I'm feeling all Moulin Rouge this morning after crashing the car again.

Anyway.. last night we were on our way to dinner with my mom, sisters and my niece and nephew. My nephew is 8 and he came in our car with us. We're way cooler that his mom. The drive to the restaurant (when I'm not crashing into things) is only about 10 minutes). Like a typical 8 year old (at least in our family), he talked the whole way. At one point he was talking about/to Ben and said something about "ben will never have a father.." Shiela picked up on it quicker than I did. She did a quiet half-head-turn and said "of course he does, sweetie.. all people have both a mother and a father." He said "really?". I said "yes.. we don't know his name, but he wanted to help families like ours". He said "oh.. I didn't know that". And that was that.. he launched into another discussion about Nerf dart launchers.

Children are amazing. (btw.. beck.. forgot to tell you about this before we left.. so heads-up.. you may get a question or two.. *grin*)

Shiela and I have come to the conclusion that we do the majority of our "serious" talking during the 2 hour trips down to Connecticut and back. Since my parents have moved, we are making that jaunt less, and are therefore having fewer "serious" talks. By "serious".. I don't mean bad.. I just mean talking about us as individuals and as a couple and a family and what we like, don't like, etc, etc, etc. Time tends to fly by and we all continue to grow up in some ways and it sure helps a marriage when you coordinate things once in a while.

Life with a toddler is hectic. Life with two cats and a toddler is hectic. Life with two full time jobs, two cats and a toddler is hectic. We look forward to sleep.. but then when the time comes, we can't sleep. We embrace every second that we spend with our son (even while wrangling him into time out) and occasionally remember to embrace one another during this journey.

In short, we are probably two of the most in-sync people I've known.. we laugh ALL the time. I absolutely love spending time with Shiela and Ben (and the cats).

The topic of conversation last night, on our drive back from CT.. hit a number of topics, but one of those was the fact that we're flat out all of the time and it feels like we're barely keeping our heads above water in just about all aspects of our life. Work is work; nuff said. The time we're not working we spend grasping for time with each other and our son and trying to keep up with laundry (which is what I should be doing now instead of blogging) and dishes and the cat litter. Throw in a presidential election and some stirrings of current financial.. um.. what does Bush call them.. oh yeah.. "adjustments".. and we wake up running and fall into bed at night surprised that we're all still intact.

We decided to try a few things.

1. We're going to go on a real Date (capital "D") at least twice a month. This will include getting a babysitter and doing something other than going to a movie and spending two hours in silence. We can still go to movies.. but those don't count as "us" time. This will be time to spend together doing something that one or both of us enjoy (we're pretty in sync on these types of things anyway) and allowing ourselves to sort of check in with each other during a time when we're not responsible for doing any housework and the phone isn't ringing and Ben isn't losing his mind while we're calmly trying to wrestle him into his carseat after a trip to Target.. you know the scene.. that kid throwing a FIT and the parents saying quietly "please honey.. don't do that". I always walked by those families thinking "man.. MY kid wouldn't act like THAT". Uh... what the heck ever, man. Now when I see those families I stop and look at the parents and can see one familiar thing. EXHAUSTION.

2. Shiela and I have decided that the TV in our bedroom is not for TV. I've had that TV since I was about 15 and it has lived a good life. It is a boat anchor and we've gotten into such a habit of turning on something.. anything.. as background sound/light, while we try to detox from the day and work toward sleep. Occasionally we'll watch a movie or something, but usually it's just some random documentary or the second half of some 80's movie that we half pay attention to. At some point, usually in the wee hours of the morning, one of us digs the remote out from under the covers and will shut the stupid thing off. No more TV in bed. If we want to watch TV.. we have a perfectly good TV in the living room. end of story.

as an update to this one.. we tried this last night and it was VERY relaxing. shiela seemed to fall asleep better than I did.. i felt like I was awake forever and i kept checking on ben and having to pee. but eventually I did fall asleep and the world didn't come to an end.

3. We're going to try something new. One night a week we're going to have a family night, which, in itself.. isn't that new of an idea. The twist that we're adding to shake it up a bit is that it's a "lights out" family night. No electricity.. when the sun goes down, it gets dark. We'll light candles (we'll buy candles that we can keep toddler proof) and no TV, no radio, no computer. Anything else is fair game.. we can cook, we can read/play/whatever. But it will be like we lost electricity without things in the fridge going bad and the phones not working. Don't worry.. I'll blog about it. I can't guarantee that the pictures will be any good by candlelight.. but I'll give it a whirl.

Now.. big group hug...

Ok.. I'm going to the next town meeting. Living off of Mass Ave is just fine.. 99.8% of the time. There needs to be a "no emergency vehicle sirens on Mass Ave between 11am and 1pm". They wake the baby up. URGH

Hi guys..

I like to write. I have a subset of this blog that I've just written my first post to. It is a review of Thomas the Train products and a discussion of the brand in general. It is located on a separate site because I would like to keep this one clean from anything but an occasional reference to a review if I think it's particularly entertaining. I will probably put a link to the site up from this blog at some point if I find the energy.

As an aside, I'm being weird.. I know. I'm not getting paid to write any reviews. If I am given the opportunity, I'll be sure to note that, but for now I'm doing it for fun.. just to share some of my experiences with other parents. Hope you enjoy.

Thomas the Tank Engine post on Two Moms and a Baby - Product Reviews

OH MY GAWD! The kids are going to kill me for this at some point (probably around their junior prom when they stumble across it during a history class on the internet prior to the great fall of the US economy). I can't stop laughing...

On that note.. Snick.. when are we going to have a High School Musical watching par-tay.. I need to squeeze in on your busy social calendar for an ice-cream night.. :)

I have a new reader.. Melissa. Hi Melissa! I don't typically call out new readers because.. well.. that would make for a darned boring blog. The funny thing is that sometimes a commenter will get my attention and I'll check out their blog. It's how the blogging world turns, you see.

Well as it turns out, Melissa's blog is also called "two moms and a baby" although subtle differences can be found in that #1, she doesn't use caps in her header and I do and #2, she and her partner, Andrea are two different moms with an entirely different child (Ambrose.. LOVE the name, Melissa!). So all in all.. even though you might be duped into thinking that we're writing the same blog and that the content may be the same.. it's really like a Diet Coke versus Diet Pepsi sorta thing.

My solution to this challenge? I'll start reading their blog.

Maybe we have something here. I'm going to make a list of all the blogs that I read that are about two moms and a baby. I'm going to bet that all the moms are different and all the children are like snowflakes..

Oh my god.. I'm laughing so hard I think I cracked a rib. My son is looking at me like I'm a total goofball.. why would someone laugh so hard while sitting at the computer?

Here ya go...

Time for Some Campaignin'

(btw.. my ad service seems to like my posts.. they just linked to the Kentucky post and I've been getting a zillion hits.. so to any new readers.. HI.. i normally post about scraping cheerios off of Thomas tracks and the woes of having a kid going through a growth spurt and polishing off our organic-delivered-from-a-local-farm-in-glass-bottles milk a whole 3 days before their next delivery.)

At the request of Giovanna, I am now "following" her blog in hopes that she will also "follow" mine. Since I went through the incredibly challenging effort to modify my blog to include this widget, I hope that all of my faithful readers will scroll down on the right side to where it says "Stalkers" and add yourself to the list! If you don't have a blog.. you should have one.. it cathartic. Plus you get to feel popular when people stalk you.. it's rare in today's society. If I only have 2 stalkers by next week, I'll probably blow this script away because I don't want to show my advertisers that my friends don't like me enough to be included on my blog.

Or whatever. *hair flip* (oh wait.. i don't have flippable hair anymore.. doh!)

Gio posted a few days ago (or it could have been this morning) about her plans for the large amounts of cash that she expects to pull in with the BlogHer ads on her blog. I thought I'd share my plans. (btw.. I linked to her site above so that she could benefit from my vast reader base.. you know.. my mom.. my sister.. it totally ads up after a while)

Simple.

Nikon D60 Digital SLR Camera.



So far I've racked up $1.00 through my ad campaign.. I'm SO CLOSE to getting this camera! Only $898.99 (plus tax) left to save!!!

I've made some progress. Last night.. no Ghost Hunters for Ben. We stuck to Sprout and watched a few episodes of Thomas and Elmo's World. He even read some Bob the Builder books to me. I had a bad headache and Shiela was stuck in traffic from hell.. so Ben and I were on our own for a bit after work. This normally isn't a problem. Unfortunately my headache short circuited my brain function and I totally forgot that there was supposed to be a meal called "dinner". Shiela called at about 7:20 to say she was getting close to home and Ben was going NUTS in the background. I then realized what time it was and that I hadn't fed him yet. doh! He was in an incredibly good mood after he downed about half of the contents of our kitchen.

Ok.. this would piss me off regardless.. but I think it pisses me off MORE because my parents live in this backwards state (oh wait.. that comment is going to get me slammed by my ever-so-loyal Kentucky reader-base.. not).

Just yesterday I was talking to Shiela about my blog and was saying that "I don't have a hook".. she laughed and said "of course you do.. the gay thing.. it sort of grabs people's attention". The thing is.. i FORGET about it. Yeah.. I named the blog "Two Moms and a Baby".. it was a gimic and i admit that. On a day to day basis.. it honestly doesn't cross my mind that I'm gay or that I'm in a same-sex marriage or that my wife and i have a child. I also do not consider that beautiful little boy to be more "mine" than "hers" because I gave birth to him. If anything, my pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention the 4 years of infertility treatments, was harder on Shiela than it was on me. Add to it that she stepped up and took care of BOTH of us for the first 4ish months while I struggled with Post Partum Depression and I think that ANYONE who even has the audacity to believe that we're both not Benjamin's parents should be shot and quartered (isn't that what they call it in Kentucky?). Geez.

Anyway.. my comment about not having a "hook" was funny because I don't consider my blog to be a "gay parenting blog".. it's just a "mom blog". I am somewhat sheltered, living in Massachusetts, where we can not only be legally married, but where my wife's name was, by law, included on Benjamin's birth certificate. Ok.. I'm going to post this and then run to change my comment moderation settings so that I don't get hammered by Sarah Palin supporters.

Read this article..

Kentucky Forbids Same-Sex Stepparents

Posted using ShareThis

Ok all you grandparents and aunts and uncles out there.. Ben wants one of these T-shirts for his birthday or for Christmas. Do me a favor and coordinate between yourselves so that we don't get 12 of them. :)



Edited to add: He's in a 3T :)

Ok.. so I occasionally (hey shiela.. look.. i spelled it right!).. have aspirations of being a super-mom. See below.



Sometimes.. just sometimes. I get it REALLY wrong.

Last night was one example. Ben went to bed at 7:50pm. At 8pm, Shiela and I started watching the two consecutive episodes of Ghost Hunters that comes on SciFi every Wednesday night. We look forward to this. We buy Ben&Jerry's ice cream. We invite these 21st century "Ghostbusters" into our home for a cheap scare. It's sort of like watching the antiques roadshow.

Case A. - Antiques roadshow. A mid-50's homemaker comes in with a stool that has been passed down for thousands of years in her family that can be traced back to Jesus himself. She waits in anxious anticipation for the antiques "expert" to discuss the "piece" and give the.. *gasp*.. anticipated price that the "piece" would go for at auction. When the "expert" says "well.. if your great grand father hadn't fixed the leg.. it would be work $4 billion dollars.. but since it was fixed, I would estimate that you could receive as much as $4.50 at auction..." The homemaker has a classic "doh..." expression on her face. You know.. you've seen it.

Case B. - Ghost Hunters. A family with children call the team to investigate the paranormal experiences that they have been having in their home. One child has claimed to see a ghost-child with black eyes, nose and mouth and squiggly black arms staring him down in his playroom. The TVs turn on and off. The toys turn themselves on in the middle of the night. The father saw a shadow of a boy in the dark hallway outside his room. Scary shit.. right? The TAPS team sets up their equipment and investigates. At the "reveal" (that's what they call it when they sit down with the homeowner to go over their findings).. the tell the trashy looking mother that they found zip.. nada.. no ghost. No strange EVP recordings (yes.. we watch this show far too often).. nothing. Sucks to be you man.. you're on national cable tv and they just debunked your house. The homemaker has a classic "doh..." expression on her face.

Ok.. now that I've set the scene.. let's talk about how my mother-of-the-year aspirations were flushed down the proverbial toilet last night.

Ben takes longer than usual to fall asleep. After he threw all of his binkies (yes.. i said "all") and his "guys" (stuffed animals) and his blankets out of his crib.. and then started yelling "uh oh..." at the top of his lungs for the oh.. third or forth time in ten minutes. We decided that he probably would like some milk.

I go and get him.. bring him into the living room where the rocking chair now lives.. and he downs a tippy of nice cold milk. He hands it back to me. I'm watching the show. I had a fleeting thought of "SciFi probably isn't appropriate for him.. but it's at the end of the show and they found nothing.. so it's not like there will be screaming or anything". Well.. Ben put one arm over his eyes and used the other to wave around spastically trying to convey the fact that he DID NOT want to watch mommys' show. It still didn't sink in. Shiela says.. "uh.. i think he doesn't like it". lord. well duh.. of course he doesn't like it.. the only tv he watches is Thomas the Tank Engine, Seseme Street and various shows on Sprout.. no friggin SciFi channel! Definitely not Ghost Hunters!

Luckily it didn't seem to sink in at all and when I put him back in his crib he smiled and grabbed a few binkies and turned right over. What a good kid. I'm trying my best not to ruin him.

As an aside.. this picture was leaked to the press, officially eliminating me from the Mother-of-the-Year running..

Facebook.

It is the "These are the days of your life" website. What is the draw? Why do I feel like I'm missing out on something if I don't check it daily? What is the point?

So many questions.

Ok.. so here are a few for you.

1. Have you set up a Facebook profile? (and if so -- are you my friend yet?)
2. How many "friends" do you have?
3. Of those "friends".. how many do you actually know IRL (that means "in real life", mom)
4. Would you let your child create a Facebook profile?
5. How old would said child need to be before creating such a profile?
6. Do you have an opinion about Scrabulous? (do you know what that is?)
7. What are some of the groups that you participate in?

Ok.. so my answers...

Yes, I have a profile. My younger sister, Amy, talked me into it quite a while back. When I created it.. the only people I could find online were her and a few cousins that are in their early 20's... oh.. and my Uncle Bob. That guy is hip, I tell ya!

I currently have 71 friends.. all of which are people that I have at least met in real life.. There is only one person on there that can honestly say that she doesn't really KNOW me.. I just stalk her because I love her music. There are people that I've added that are family members (including Bob).. my wife is on there.. my sister.. 3.. count them, one. two. three. of my ex's. Several people that I went to high school with, including the captain of the football team who is now a southern baptist preacher with two adorable little girls.

Ben won't be allowed to go on the internet until he's 32. I have a feeling that Facebook profiles will be like totally old school by the time he's in Kindergarten and they are getting class update by txt message. My niece's swim coach had great plans of keeping the class up to date on things through Facebook. That would require my sister allowing her 14 year old, freshman in high school, to create a profile. Yeah.. not. Actually.. I'm not sure how that worked out.. beck..?

I am still quite irritated by the Scrabulous incident.

Some of the groups that I belong to include:

"I don't care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass"
"I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head"
"When I was your age, Pluto was a planet"
"The League - an internet series" (check this one out.. Jimbo is a college friend)
"Unlike 99.99% of the Facebook population, I was born in the 70s"
"Why yes, I do frequently burst out in song"
"University of Hartford Alumni Association" (i know.. how boring)
"But you don't look sick"
"I use my cell phone to see in the dark"

and of course...

"I have more foreign policy experience than Sarah Palin"